23 going on 24

Well I am now officially one year older than he ever got to be. Yet deep inside me I feel like he is 30 and not 28. As if he is aging too. I have memories of the last two years and I could swear up and down he was right there experiencing things with me. Yet when I remember the date, I sigh and realize he wasn't there at all. Who knows, maybe he was in some other capacity. One can hope.

What did it feel like in that moment? Have you ever been punched so hard in the gut that you completely lost your breathe? When your diaphram is spasming out and you can't get air in your lungs? Have you ever had a sinking feeling in your chest? Felt the color rush out of your skin as if you are about to faint, but you don't? Have you ever felt your joints just give out on you? Or that feeling in your head after being spun around way too many times? Its all of that multiplied by 10 and all at once. Your heart hits the floor, your brain slams against your skull, you can't breath, you feel weak, the pain is so intense you can't even stand. You scream and cry because that is all you can do in some failed effort to call out for relief. Its as close to dying as you will ever get without actually dying. Because in that moment part of you did die. That is the best way to describe that moment.

Now ask me 23 months ago if I could ever find happiness and I would have told you to go fuck yourself. Today, though down, I do find lil rays of happiness that shine on me. I try my best to just soak up those moments as best I can. The lows are still low. I am prepared for the downward spiral to the 2 year mark. Its absolutely insane to think this world has lasted 2 years without him. Yet he doesn't feel far away. Sometimes I think he is the reason somethings happen in my life. Things I never expected to happen are his doing. Little signs, reminders of him. His quirky ways come out in the most random of people. I thought he was the only weirdo who did that! It warms my heart to see that just maybe he does live on in this world.