Rebirth

Yesterday was 22 months. After 2 years do we just start referring to our time apart in years? I mean with children, don't you stop saying months once they hit 2 years old? And really when you think about it,  I had the unpleasant experience of being reborn into this world. Rudely shoved into an existence that is foreign and strange to me. In a cold horrible hospital room with my mother and father trying to comfort my screams. Doctors and nurses huddled in the room watching my reactions. I think far more confused looks than my real birth. I hope..

I was coddled by my family and friends there after to ensure I could survive the months that followed. Rarely did I eat and most of the time I just forgot. Had to be reminded that food was needed. I cried alot. Screamed. I couldn't communicate with the world around me the horrific pain I was feeling. The slew of other emotions that to this day leave me in a state of confusion. I could do alot more on my own than a baby, but still had to be strongly urged to take care of myself. The cardinal rules drink water and remember to breathe. At the time I saw no point in doing anything. Why should I do this when he can't? Life was revolting and I wanted to part of it.

Slowly I started to crawl out of my darkened room and sit in the living room for an hour or so then sulk back into my cocoon. In there my world was about the same. The room arranged the way he left it. His essence in every corner. His smell still saturating the room. When I would feel my heart desperately trying to escape my chest I could feel his comforting touch. For months I stayed there. Debating on whether I would live or die and what method I would use to escape this life. Methods I turn over in my head from time to time still.

People say they don't know what they would do if they were in my position. That they would just die if their partner died. Trust me, you want to die but you can't. Its rare that someone will die shortly after their partner especially when you are young. Those of us who are still around are in awe that we do survive. You really have no clue what you are going to do with yourself. You wander around in this world just lost. This goes on for months and years. At times you feel like you are going in a good direction, a purpose of sort to what you are doing, and then you just end up feeling as lost as you did before. There is apart of you that keeps wanting to fight no matter how much you want to just give up. Just nagging feeling to continue on. So when it happens to you, I have a good idea what you will do. You will continue to exist, and then maybe even live, but you won't die, at least not right away.

So almost 2 years, which will make me a toddler? Learning to play with others again. Gaining more independence. Still face planting from time to time as I figure out how I fit into this world. I get why 2 year olds are such brats. When you start realizing how the world really is, I'm a total ass about it too.