One Year

One year passed a few days ago. This last year has been so painful and such a struggle. Honestly right now I am speechless.....

Why I must be in a coma...

Okay, so maybe I am in a hospital somewhere and I am in a coma. That would explain so much. Why I feel is presence so often. He is at my bedside. Those times he is not there he must be at home resting. Hospitals are no place for rest. I want to reach out and touch him but I am being held back. Sometimes I even hear his voice. I hear him talking to me. "Hellooooo?" "Wake up!" "I love you." All things I have heard vividly from the darkness. At times I can feel his touch.  A grip on my arm. A brush against the cheek. My hair being pushed away from my face. In this world I am in I cannot see him but I know it is him.

There have been moments where I feel like I can't breathe. The respirator must be malfunctioning. I have dreams of being in an empty hospital. I see my body laying on a bed. Sometimes I wander the halls and bump into new people like me. Those must be my out of body experiences. At times I am swimming in a dark peaceful void. Its wonderful and I don't want to leave but I want him so I slip back into my body. Something must have happened to my left shoulder. It hurts so much. Maybe I was in an accident?

My concept of time is so off. At times it feels I just got here and others it feels like an eternity. I hear time is irrelevant to people in a coma. That those who have had near death experiences have even mentioned that they have no concept of time. Where they feel the experience was a few moments it was days, or if the experience was long it was only for a few minutes.

A coma. That has to be the explanation for all of this. Since Adam is perfect to me, I have no unresolved issues to deal with about him. That must be why he is rarely in these visions. I am trying to work out issues of other relationships. To come to peace with them all. Possible.

When I wake up I won't be the same. Rarely are people who come out of coma's the same. Adam and I will be better. He hasn't left me. I try to react when he is around me so he knows I am thinking about him. That I know he is there. No way is he dead, or me for that matter. I am in some hospital somewhere recovering from some accident. I'll keep pushing myself to wake up. We have a life to live dammit.

Happy Dreams and a Living Nightmare

I dream of Adam. More often in the first half of my journey. All  of them have been good dreams. Okay, a few were off but not nightmares. Waking up is when the nightmare begins.

I like this from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: "When you possess great treasures within you, and try to tell others of them, seldom are you believed." I could careless what you believe, because I know what I know.

In the beginning we were constantly trying to swap data as quickly as possible. More because I was fearful that something would happen and our connection would close. I needed to tell him everything just in case. He was relaxed, annoyed with me more often than not, but still kind. Now I am more relaxed. I can just enjoy our moments together. Life is just a collection of moments and we are still alive when we sleep right? I can look into his brown eyes, touch his soft skin, and just smile ear to ear knowing we are together. We can laugh and joke and have serious conversations. All things we did when he was here but the context vastly different. I know he is dead, he knows he is dead. I am not trying to nurse him back to health. I am not trying to bring him here. I do beg him to take me there but he just pouts his lips and says my time will come. He wants to say when, I can see it and feel it from him. He sucked at keeping secrets and I am a pro at pulling them out of him. I'll get that date and it will be the last thing I do.

Then I wake up. And for a few brief moments I can still feel normal. I feel like my whole self. Then it dawns on me, he isn't here and I miss him. At times the pressure of his absence drives me to the edge of my sanity. It hurts more than anything in the world. I go outside everyday because being in nature instead of the confines of a human made structure helps me feel closer to him. Before his death I wanted nothing more than to be inside and now I just want to be out. Maybe because in death we do meld back into the vibrations of the universe. I don't know. I do know that I feel more connected to him outside.

I rather be asleep in dreamland with him than awake in this horrible reality without. This world is so strange without him. I was born into a world where he existed. Is this what the first year of his life felt like without me? Its shenanigans!

Highs and Lows

Some days are good days. In that you are able to enjoy the activities of the day. For moments you can find peace. As June approached I felt the build up of pressure inside my soul. Yesterday, June 1, I let it out. Not in the ideal location...37,000 feet in the air. I kept myself turned to the window. Then I could hear his calls out in agony from the first chemo treatment. I found myself relating to him better. The roar of the jets muffled my yelps of pain.

My travels always leave me conflicted. Every new thing I do comes with a sense of joy and sadness. I am so glad that he came into my life and continues to push me to try new things. When we are together again I want to brag to him about all have I have done. Neeeaaaaw. He would so get that. I am sure he is doing the same damn thing cause that is how we work. We are the ultimate one uppers of each other.

Up in the air, down on the ground, I am everywhere these last few days. So is my life.

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"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies." - William Penn. No truer words were ever spoken.