Going to see a Doctor

Adam used to give me so much crap about seeing a doctor. I don't like being touched by strangers. Who knows what these people are thinking. I know what I am thinking, that is enough of a reason for me. I am not scared of needles.  I strongly don't recommend moving your hand when they are drawing blood...ouch! I don't know these people and they want them to shove sticks down my throat, grab my no-no places, and play with my pudge. I have to pay these people to do this?!? I have avoided the doctor for a few years now. Every trip is a horror to me. Why I avoid the dentist too because I LOVE to feel FIRE in my eye socket. Note sarcasm.

Anywho, I finally got a pain I can't ignore so I am going. Most likely it is nothing. Like 99.9% its nothing.Story of my life. Oh your throat feels like its being cut up by razor blades, you don't have strep so its nothing and will go away soon. Take these pills that your ultra sensitive throat can not handle. My favorite activity is giving myself the Heimlich to dislodge a large pill that has gotten stuck in my throat. I donno how Adam could down a horse pill but he did it. He was so nice about my weird pill taking habits. Why I will die young because I won't take a pill that is bigger than an extra strength tylenol. I am that strange.

I hate doctors. I hate hospitals. I really hate the way I feel, so I am sucking it up. Hopefully this goes well.

I Feel....Hope

I donno. I feel like if I say anything I may jinx what is going...what I hope is going to happen. I have felt good, I don't want this to be some illusion to help me cope. I miss Adam so much it hurts. Right now I have a calmness in myself and so much hope that I could explode. I look to the heavens every night and pray that this is truth and not a lie. I want to explode, but no one cares or wants to hear what I think anymore. So I am just blurting out to the internet void now just to get it out of me. Pray for me that this thing I feel is true.

Graduation....

When you lose your best friend in the whole wide world nothing else matters anymore. So I have been laying in pain (both emotional and physical). Dealing with bouts of sickness that no one cares about. "Its just stress", I nearly forgot about graduation. Dec 13.

Last year I was going to walk but opted out since my grandfather was sick and we were told he would go at any minute. I didn't want to do something joyous when the family was at such a low point. It tore me up. It wasn't even happy about it anymore. I already got my degree because I graduated in August but was walking in December. I was very upset with what was going on with my grandpa and wanted to be ready whenever the time came. They told us weeks, he lived months. Also figured I was going to be graduating next December so its okay. I wanted Adam to walk for his AA but he used the same logic, the better one is coming up.

Now I am back to another dark moment around another graduation ceremony. I don't want to do it. I am doing what I have to do participate but I don't know if I will. I think I will be bawling my eyes out too much and not because I will be happy but because he should be there. He will be rewarded a posthumous degree. He should be walking. He wanted to rub it in his family's face that he could do this without them. He was so proud of himself. I was so proud of him. He was so proud of me. He gloated to people at work about me doing my masters. He was the only one who really truly cared. He pushed me when I wanted to give up.

I am so lost without him.

A Prayer

Psalms 130 "Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O LORD. Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared. And he shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

Our 'First' Concerts

The first memory I have of Adam was in 1999. There was a 'concert' of the local high school bands performing at his high school. I am so happy I got to see him perform. Forever etched in my mind.

We ended up at a bunch of the same concerts and in 2001 I saw him again. He was only a few feet in front of me. I took a picture of the band and captured the back of his head. 3 years later he saw this photo hanging in my cubicle and was like, "omg thats me!" He is boxed in red, my finger is in the upper corner. Then we became inseparable.

Cold - 2001 HFStival

Adam's Perspective, Pics & Poem

These are pictures he took with his Razor phone....while driving. I'll be adding more pictures he took later on. I wanted to share his abstract view of the sky...I think its beautiful.

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Poem he wrote while at community college soooo 2007.
"Take me
through this dream with you.
Don't let me fall.

Promise me
that I can always count on you
to be there
til the bitter end

Everything is so clear from up here
not a cloud to impair my view
There is not a soul to compromise
what I feel inside
or take this all away from me."

Saturdays

I don't understand why Saturdays are so hard. He died on a Thursday. Its like Saturdays are a reset every single time. I don't work so its not like during the week I run off to a job that occupies my mind. Actually Saturday I have class scheduled and I should be distracted by that. He was rarely up before 11am on Saturday. I didn't get home until 2:30 and when I got home I usually ended up taking a nap from 3-5. Not like the day had that much significance. In reality Sunday should be the harder day. But every Saturday it hits me like a ton of bricks.

People have said sly remarks about my attendance in class...I donno, grief blows massive chunks and drains me of all energy. I wish it would hit another day of the week that was more convenient but it hits on Saturday. There is no rhyme or reason to this crap. I hate this.