Wonderland

Adam wrote this song for me many moons ago. I helped a little. I know I mentioned before I hate surprises. :p He did this all on his computer. He wanted to be like his idle Trent Reznor and BT. Go fig right? Anyways I really wanted to share this with others. I think its beautiful. So I put together a little slideshow. My first ever too! Like, I mean, I take pictures and make little files and press play on my computer, but never with music. So I had to learn his software to give justice to his piece. Hope you enjoy!

He was the better person.

I have been so mad for so long at all the people who I think should have died instead of him. He was always the better person. To try to work through my anger I am trying to look at things in a different way.

He was an extraordinary guy. He had his ways but over all he did so many great things. "i passed out food to the homeless today in miami. They were so grateful." a quote from his twitter feed. I remember we would walk over to Wendy's for lunch and a homeless guy was sitting out front. Adam went in and bought him a meal. Another time we were walking back to our car after a concert and it was cold out. Adam saw a homeless guy in a shirt and shorts. He asked for money. Adam said he didn't have any but took the sweater off his back and a blanket out of our car and gave it to the man. The guy quickly threw on Adam's sweater and wrapped himself up in the blanket.

He LOVED cats. If he could rescue every cat he saw, oh my goodness! I had gone out of town with my parents, while I was away he rescued a kitten. He was at work and saw some kids with a backpack and inside the backpack was a little kitten. I told him before he needed to stop bringing cats home. Yes it was becoming a problem. He always had a need to help others even our furry friends. Adam confronted the kids and told them to give the kitten to him. He called me to tell me and I told him when we get home that kitten has to be gone. I get home and the kitten is still there! He begged and pleaded with me to let us keep the lil one. We had four cats already, no way! He found the kitty a good home. Her new owner is an up and coming musical artist in New York. She kept Adam updated on the kitty.

Tori & me. Rescued by Adam

I could go on and on about all the little things he did, the things he tried to do, to help others. He wasn't a saint! Far from. He had his faults.He cursed like a sailor and was one of the most cynical people I have ever known. Could you really blame him?  He made choices out of pure compassion that are so beyond the comprehension of most that they just cannot wrap their minds around it. He gives me a standard to live up to.


I know that anger and resentment are apart of this journey. I recognize my needs for personal growth in this area. If you know me its pretty obvious I need help in the anger and grudge department. He was learning, teaching, and helping me in this area of my life. Yet again, me being a slow learner compared to him is blaring in my face! I am making progress.

So today is 9 months. I miss him like ca-razy. I am pushing myself to be more optimistic like him. I really am a better person because of him.

Great Dialogue

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston?
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

(Bold is what I want to scream at everyone who tries to diminish my grief, my love for Adam.  Underline are lines that I can just relate to or that make me really think about this whole shit bag experience.)

Bucket List

I think we all make a bucket list of sorts. Things we hope to do in our life time. Adam and I had one that was constantly evolving. Clearly there are somethings I won't ever be able to do now, and that is okay. Still I am working through our list and checking things off. We are two very open minded people and always willing to give something a try to see if our perception of the experience was right or not. Our bucket list contained foods we wanted to try, places we wanted to go, people we wanted to see, events we wanted to participate in, etc. We got to many before he died. Which was great. Kinda eerie how many we did in the last year. Maybe creepy how many I am getting through now.

Anyways, I am starting to have fun working through our list. I desperately wish he was here with me doing these things himself. I know when I die we will have loads to talk about. I hope he is enjoying his time up there, missing me just the same. One thing people have gotten right is that he wants me to be happy, just not in the context of their statements. 

Mardi Gras in NOLA - Check

Toxicity of Guilt and Fear

There are many aspects to grief and guilt is one of them. It eats you up and spits you out as a huge messy wad.

My guilt is that I couldnt take all his troubles away. Sharing was how we bonded. We were travelers on the same road. We spoke often of the obstacles we encountered and helped each other over others as they came. There just wasnt enough time for either of us to absorb the severity of his disease. We were robbed of his life. Taken by suprise and he was gone the next. What could I have done differently to save him? The answer is nothing. I am not a doctor and even doctors didnt fully understand the complexity of his illness. So why beat myself up with guilt? Because its a natural basic human instinc and I, sadly to say, am human.

It takes great effort to take these thoughts of guilt and turn them away from the mind. My biggest regret in life was not talking to him when I was 16. I want more time with him and if I had been aware of what he would mean to me then I would have run up on that stage and held onto him for dear life. His cancer gave us no early indications that it was working itself up inside his body until it really was too late. His reservations to the medical industry is what bought us six more months together. I am thankful for that but so very sad and depressed that he is gone.

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I had a dream last night that got me thinking. We are all marked for death. No matter where we run and hide its going to find us. In my dream an assassin is stalking me and corners me in a room. I frantically look for an escape but the red beam of his gun always finds me. I want to stop running from death. To stand up and accept that true nature of life and death. My greatest fear, I am learning, is that all our hard work will be in vain. If I fall who will finish our work?

I studied Raphael in a class and after he passed his apprentice completed his final painting, Transfiguration. A beautiful piece of art. Adam's life to me is like this painting both in the symbolic representation in the piece and the fact that like Raphael, Adam left a great piece of work unfinished. I want to make sure it is completed. I think guilt will destroy me completely if I dont finish. And there inlies my greatest fear.

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I guess what I am thinking is that guilt and fear are normal feelings to have but unhealthy when they force you not to live. It taks strength and courage to fight these feelings off to do what you need to do in life. Sometimes these feelings can fuel your fire and help you stay focused on your task. My guilt and fear does stop me in my tracks and I continue to persevre over these foul feelings to continue a life he would be proud of. I hope I am making him proud. My name means strength, lets hope ny parents gave me the right name for my character.