Movie Outing

I saw the Dilemma. I wouldn't have wasted a dime on that movie if Adam was still here but I needed to get out of the house. Not as bad as I thought. Every Vince Vaughn movie seems pretty much the same to me so no real foul. The outing was good for me. I hope not just for myself but for the friend that I went with as well. This theater is pretty awesome. Its 21+, gourmet menu, full bar, big comfy seats, kinda pricey. I go there to avoid the people on their cellphones, crying babies, tweens kicking the back of my seat. Because it cost double a regular movie ticket it weeds many people out.

I want to try to regain some of my normal social habits. Even for a few hours its nice. I am okay with getting the crap beat out of me by my grief if it will take a few hour break from time to time. During the breathing room I never stop thinking about Adam. I never stopped thinking about him when he was alive, so that hasn't changed in the slightest. He is my other half and if I can't stop thinking about myself and my own feelings I sure as hell can't stop thinking about him.

I am planning other outings for February and (fingers crossed) March. Still struggling with seeing myself more than a week out but if I book it and that date comes I won't waste my money. Hopefully future outings will be like the one I had last night. Hang out with a good friend and have a good time. He wanted this for me before... why wouldn't he want it for me now?

Nine Inch Nails

NIN

One of the first concerts we both went to was a NIN concert. May 12, 2000. Fragility Tour v2.0. I had just turned 17, he was 18. We still hadn't met yet. He was up front, I was on the lawn. Then we saw them again June 9, 2009. Wave Goodbye Tour. Same pavilion even though we no longer lived in that state. We sat in the middle, together.  Strange how some things come around.

So here is a song that just fits what I am going through. This is me recording in June 2009. I can hear him...

Lyrics: Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep
Anymore

(Chorus)
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the color if I had a heart
Come on, tell me

::Chorus::

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

::Chorus::
I just want something I can never have

<<<I miss you so....>>>

Thought Overload & Easily Distracted

Most of the time its just me and my thoughts. Easier to visualize than explain. This is what Adam said I am like...

I decided to try to annoy him by singing the song at the end of the commercial to him. Got to him when I made him dance with me.  I know he felt embarrassed when I sang this at the top of my lungs when stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. No matter when or where or how, I always got him to smile.

Oh and he also said I was like Dug....

Sometimes my mind just cuts from one thought to another. Not much fluidity. It actually takes me a long time to write these blog entries out because I am so scatter brained. The thing is, he got me. Crazy broken thought processes and all.

My thoughts today:  I am happy with my core values and beliefs. I have a great support system. I am learning a lot about myself, Adam, and others. I don't feel unloved. I haven't felt alone in a long long time. I feel Adam near by and just that sensation alone has kept me from falling apart. He gives me strength. He holds me up. He hasn't stopped being him. I would like him back in his body to help me physically through this life, but its okay. We have to deal with what we got and make it work the best we can. This life is a blip in time. I will be home before I know it. For him, EVERYTHING is worth it. Every sacrifice, every tear, every single aspect of myself and my life is worth it for him, for his love. We have something so special I would be an idiot to turn my back on him and on us. I hurt, I am in pain, and I am just dealing with it as best I can. I am learning that I rather show my scars than hide them. I am learning how to keep my mouth shut when it comes to really stupid people and just allow them to be because no matter what I say to try to bring knowledge into their lives, they are stupid and won't learn anyways. I am pretty sure that I am still making him proud by remaining true to myself. I could have changed completely but I have held on to dear life to the identity that I created for myself. I want to remain the woman he fell in love with and that has been a challenge but after damn near 7 months of this shit I am still me. And more and more thoughts to be reserved for another SQUIRREL!!!!

Grief Up My Nose

Grief is usually related to roller-coasters or waves. I like waves...I think it fits better. Waves on the ocean are natural. Grief is natural.There is an ebb and flow to it. Sometimes its predictable and other times a wave slaps you in the face and you get water up your nose.

Well I got water up my nose the other day. I'm usually really good at ignoring stupid people and not even noticing they exist but every now and again their foulness somehow comes to my attention. Anywho I liken them to the feeling of having ocean water rushing up the nose and down the throat.  Horrible feeling. My instinct is to cough and spit up the rancidness out of my body. So I scream and curse at the sky to get their filth out of my lungs. Luckily I can get over the initial blast to my soul, its the barrage of emotions that come after that keep me down.

Once grief or a wave, knocks you off balance you are open up to get hit again. That's when I just get walloped over and over. I can get my back to it enough where its not as painful or uncomfortable as the initial hit but it still sucks. My head actually does hurt. My eyes really do burn from my salty tears. You can try and wade out of the water. The waves won't stop hitting you as you move to dry land. Even if you make it to the beach the tide will rise again and sweep you back into the ocean to ride the waves again.

Funny thought, Adam always made fun of me because I use too many metaphors when I talk. I can't help it if nature provides a good analogy for me to use. Geeez.

Some Dam Pictures

Last Christmas Adam talked with my parents and they got me a really nice Nikkon. Really it was another 'us' present as most of the things we owned became shared property. But....being the spoiled only child that I am, I wanted to have this shiny new toy being mine for a little while.

Me: "Its my cam-e-ra! Give it back! Its my turn!"
Him: "I know its yours. Alright, alright here. Whenever you are ready to share, I would like to use it."

He got this for that comment:

My foot, His butt

We shared! Sheesh. I got inside, he got outside. Compromise is a beautiful thing. First 3 him, last 2 me.

"They Died to Make the Desert Bloom"

Lake Mead

Stairway to Heaven

Access Denied

Communication and Death

--Rambling of ideas of communication after death--

Communication is vital to the growth and stability of our species and our own development.You need to learn how to communicate in order to survive. A baby cries for its mother to feed it. Early humans developed coordinated hunting strategies to feed their clan.  Communication has flourish and grown from a few vocal sounds to millions of words in thousands of languages. We have advanced our communication technologies from smoke signals to Facebook. Our ability to communicate and its continued development is really quite impressive.

Did you know that scientist have sent out messages on radio waves to distant parts of our galaxy? Their hope is that maybe an alien species will communicate back to us. We have hundreds of satellites scanning the skies listening for a message from a distant planet with intelligent life. Statistically it is far fetched to say that the only living organisms in this universe, let alone the only intelligent life, rest soley on this planet. I am willing to keep my mind open to the idea, even though there is no proof of the existence of any other complex life forms, that alien life probably does exist.

No one can definitively say that after we die blah happens. Sure our bodies rot and decay but is that really who you are? Don't you think you are more than just your body? Love cannot be measured in a laboratory, nor can you because who YOU are is as intangible as love. I like to think that if enough people under go a specific experience (NDE,ADC), then maybe that idea might be worth considering as existing. Love is an experience that many of us go through and yet science cannot prove or disprove its existence and yet our culture accepts love with open arms. However the idea of an afterlife or NDE are shunned as being weird and cookey, even though so many have had this experience. Hmm.....

Cultural beliefs spanning thousands of years have considered the idea of an afterlife. Cavemen had burial ceremonies where the dead were later found to be buried with material goods for their passage into another realm. They are finding burial sites from ancient cultures all over the world where the dead are prepared a certain way for burial.  What is it that is in our nature that demands this....cant think of a good word....process? If there is a reason to everything, what is the reason for this? Why has man looked to the heavens since the "beginning of  time"? How can so many share an experience like near death and it be so universal to all cultures and ages? I like to think that there is something more than this life. 

A quote from Hamlet by Shakespeare (der). Act 1 Scene 2.
Queen Gertrude: Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die, Passing through nature to eternity.

From the moment our cells begin to multiple to create our physical bodies we are destined for death. Yes we need to cherish our time on earth as best we can because in the grand scope of reality our lives are hardly a blip on the cosmic clock. Time is relative. Adam did right by himself by living his life the best he could given the resources and time he had. Can we all say the same?

For my own sanity I must insist on believing that our lives continue after the death of the body. My body is a tool to be used by me...which I will call my soul...to learn and teach something. What that is I do not know. Philosophers have said, "I think therefor I am". I exist because I can question my own existence. There has to be something more. I have seen things so magnificent and so profound that I can no longer ignore what has happened around me. I used to be pretty skeptical. For the most part I am. I want to understand so I continue to look for information to disprove or support my assumptions afterlife communications.

I feel that there is something more. That Adam's body is dead and gone but HE is not. He is alive and well in another form. I am still in a very loving and devoted relationship with Adam. Communication is still possible. I love to research so I have found some crazy ways some weirdos have devices up, but communication is far simpler than one might think. I have found that again through out our human culture we have relied on thought to help us communicate with the higher power. I go to church when people are in prayer and it is silent, meaning they are thinking their prayers to God. I am taking my cue to think my thoughts to Adam. Guess what? He responds!!!!!

I learned in my communication classes that to be a good communicator you have to be a good listener. That listening is not a me eat me breathe, natural skill. It is learned. It takes hard work and practice to be a really good communicator. Not only at sending out messages that others can properly interpret but also in receiving messages. Its not all done vocally. Adam and I would go out to dinner and never say a word out loud to the other and yet it felt like we talked the whole time. Then when we did physically manipulate air through our vocal cords to speak, our non-verbal communications sent during dinner were read loud and clear.

Souls can communicate without our conscience having a freaking idea its happening. The whole thing about the first time I saw Adam, it really is weird how much detail I remember from that day. There is no logical reason for me to remember that day. It really was just another day. I can't tell you what I wore or what I else I did that day but I can tell you what he wore and what he did that night. I think its strange. My soul found his and unbeknown to me locked away information into my memory.

Given all this information I have taken in, and my analysis of this information. From atheist to philosophers to believers, I am working to improve my communications with Adam. Like I said he responds. Poems, quotes, music, tv shows, movies, its really weird. I was going to write about the one from yesterday but for the life of me I cannot find the link. Okay Adam clearly doesn't want me to tell you our conversation. Bond of Silence cross my heart. It was really lovey dovey made me cry and feel loved, it was awesome. hmphf

Anywho that's my rambling for now. Communication takes lots of hard work alive it is doubly hard when you are physically dead. Its up to us who are still in our physical bodies to try to find ways to not only convey our own messages to our loved ones but to also be open to receiving them. Its because of this mind set I have not felt alone or abandoned. Do what you gotta do to survive during such dark times. This has helped me and maybe it could help you one day too.

Goofy Sense of Humor

I get it, we are weirdos. Most didn't get our jokes. I thought he was hilarious, he thought I was. We would laugh so hard our sides ached and had tears streaming down our eyes. I remember laughing so hard I almost threw up. Once we would get the other one going we would keep pushing and pushing until the other cried "UNCLE!! UNCLE!!"

Like I said long ago I won't post his face on here, but here he did some silly things that make me smile.

Universal Studios Orlando

26th Birthday

First & The Tearless Illusion

The first year after the death of a loved one is a year full of first. Luckily the first 6 months my only first was bodily functions. First breathe I took without him alive on this earth. First time I ate, drank, slept without him somewhere on this planet with a beating heart.Then the holidays started. I decided the only way I am gong to survive is by avoidance. By not participating in our traditions I cannot be hurt by the fact he will never do these things again.

Avoidance is working. Maybe part of it is me making things even. He cant put up a Christmas tree and neither can I. I cannot feel guilty about participating because I am not. Honestly, holidays are bullshit. These days are an excuse to do certain things, like splurge on presents. We shouldn't need a hallmark holiday to express our love for another person or get wasted, eat turkey, watch movies, or to thank someone for creating us. These things should be acceptable year round. Its the commercialization and exploitation of people and their feelings. Maybe I am jaded now, but if this is what will get me through these dark days so be it.

I have three more first left then. Our birthdays and d-day. Spaced out, we shall see how I deal with these days over the next six months.

--------

I cannot cry in front of other people. I can feel my eyes burn from the tears but my natural instinct is to fight them back. I have always preferred to cry in private. I believe that my tearless nature is creating a false illusion that I am over it, I am not. I have cried for days straight and its exhausting on so many levels. I chose to fight the tears in order to survive. I am not a side show freak, I am a griever. I am entitled to grieve and mourn in my own way. Most will not understand this... for now... but many do and that is so very unfortunate.

Ive notice that people become uncomfortable when I talk about Adam. Talking about him keeps him alive and it hurts more when you pretend like he didn't exist. He did, he does, and I will never forget nor should you. My good friends let me blab but I can pick up on their uneasiness. At least they let me talk regardless of their comfort level and it really is a sign that they care about me. To them I thank you.