Friday, June 1, 2012
It Could Happen To You
Thursday, May 24, 2012
23 going on 24
Well I am now officially one year older than he ever got to be. Yet deep inside me I feel like he is 30 and not 28. As if he is aging too. I have memories of the last two years and I could swear up and down he was right there experiencing things with me. Yet when I remember the date, I sigh and realize he wasn't there at all. Who knows, maybe he was in some other capacity. One can hope.
What did it feel like in that moment? Have you ever been punched so hard in the gut that you completely lost your breathe? When your diaphram is spasming out and you can't get air in your lungs? Have you ever had a sinking feeling in your chest? Felt the color rush out of your skin as if you are about to faint, but you don't? Have you ever felt your joints just give out on you? Or that feeling in your head after being spun around way too many times? Its all of that multiplied by 10 and all at once. Your heart hits the floor, your brain slams against your skull, you can't breath, you feel weak, the pain is so intense you can't even stand. You scream and cry because that is all you can do in some failed effort to call out for relief. Its as close to dying as you will ever get without actually dying. Because in that moment part of you did die. That is the best way to describe that moment.
Now ask me 23 months ago if I could ever find happiness and I would have told you to go fuck yourself. Today, though down, I do find lil rays of happiness that shine on me. I try my best to just soak up those moments as best I can. The lows are still low. I am prepared for the downward spiral to the 2 year mark. Its absolutely insane to think this world has lasted 2 years without him. Yet he doesn't feel far away. Sometimes I think he is the reason somethings happen in my life. Things I never expected to happen are his doing. Little signs, reminders of him. His quirky ways come out in the most random of people. I thought he was the only weirdo who did that! It warms my heart to see that just maybe he does live on in this world.
What did it feel like in that moment? Have you ever been punched so hard in the gut that you completely lost your breathe? When your diaphram is spasming out and you can't get air in your lungs? Have you ever had a sinking feeling in your chest? Felt the color rush out of your skin as if you are about to faint, but you don't? Have you ever felt your joints just give out on you? Or that feeling in your head after being spun around way too many times? Its all of that multiplied by 10 and all at once. Your heart hits the floor, your brain slams against your skull, you can't breath, you feel weak, the pain is so intense you can't even stand. You scream and cry because that is all you can do in some failed effort to call out for relief. Its as close to dying as you will ever get without actually dying. Because in that moment part of you did die. That is the best way to describe that moment.
Now ask me 23 months ago if I could ever find happiness and I would have told you to go fuck yourself. Today, though down, I do find lil rays of happiness that shine on me. I try my best to just soak up those moments as best I can. The lows are still low. I am prepared for the downward spiral to the 2 year mark. Its absolutely insane to think this world has lasted 2 years without him. Yet he doesn't feel far away. Sometimes I think he is the reason somethings happen in my life. Things I never expected to happen are his doing. Little signs, reminders of him. His quirky ways come out in the most random of people. I thought he was the only weirdo who did that! It warms my heart to see that just maybe he does live on in this world.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Rebirth
Yesterday was 22 months. After 2 years do we just start referring to our time apart in years? I mean with children, don't you stop saying months once they hit 2 years old? And really when you think about it, I had the unpleasant experience of being reborn into this world. Rudely shoved into an existence that is foreign and strange to me. In a cold horrible hospital room with my mother and father trying to comfort my screams. Doctors and nurses huddled in the room watching my reactions. I think far more confused looks than my real birth. I hope..
I was coddled by my family and friends there after to ensure I could survive the months that followed. Rarely did I eat and most of the time I just forgot. Had to be reminded that food was needed. I cried alot. Screamed. I couldn't communicate with the world around me the horrific pain I was feeling. The slew of other emotions that to this day leave me in a state of confusion. I could do alot more on my own than a baby, but still had to be strongly urged to take care of myself. The cardinal rules drink water and remember to breathe. At the time I saw no point in doing anything. Why should I do this when he can't? Life was revolting and I wanted to part of it.
Slowly I started to crawl out of my darkened room and sit in the living room for an hour or so then sulk back into my cocoon. In there my world was about the same. The room arranged the way he left it. His essence in every corner. His smell still saturating the room. When I would feel my heart desperately trying to escape my chest I could feel his comforting touch. For months I stayed there. Debating on whether I would live or die and what method I would use to escape this life. Methods I turn over in my head from time to time still.
People say they don't know what they would do if they were in my position. That they would just die if their partner died. Trust me, you want to die but you can't. Its rare that someone will die shortly after their partner especially when you are young. Those of us who are still around are in awe that we do survive. You really have no clue what you are going to do with yourself. You wander around in this world just lost. This goes on for months and years. At times you feel like you are going in a good direction, a purpose of sort to what you are doing, and then you just end up feeling as lost as you did before. There is apart of you that keeps wanting to fight no matter how much you want to just give up. Just nagging feeling to continue on. So when it happens to you, I have a good idea what you will do. You will continue to exist, and then maybe even live, but you won't die, at least not right away.
So almost 2 years, which will make me a toddler? Learning to play with others again. Gaining more independence. Still face planting from time to time as I figure out how I fit into this world. I get why 2 year olds are such brats. When you start realizing how the world really is, I'm a total ass about it too.
I was coddled by my family and friends there after to ensure I could survive the months that followed. Rarely did I eat and most of the time I just forgot. Had to be reminded that food was needed. I cried alot. Screamed. I couldn't communicate with the world around me the horrific pain I was feeling. The slew of other emotions that to this day leave me in a state of confusion. I could do alot more on my own than a baby, but still had to be strongly urged to take care of myself. The cardinal rules drink water and remember to breathe. At the time I saw no point in doing anything. Why should I do this when he can't? Life was revolting and I wanted to part of it.
Slowly I started to crawl out of my darkened room and sit in the living room for an hour or so then sulk back into my cocoon. In there my world was about the same. The room arranged the way he left it. His essence in every corner. His smell still saturating the room. When I would feel my heart desperately trying to escape my chest I could feel his comforting touch. For months I stayed there. Debating on whether I would live or die and what method I would use to escape this life. Methods I turn over in my head from time to time still.
People say they don't know what they would do if they were in my position. That they would just die if their partner died. Trust me, you want to die but you can't. Its rare that someone will die shortly after their partner especially when you are young. Those of us who are still around are in awe that we do survive. You really have no clue what you are going to do with yourself. You wander around in this world just lost. This goes on for months and years. At times you feel like you are going in a good direction, a purpose of sort to what you are doing, and then you just end up feeling as lost as you did before. There is apart of you that keeps wanting to fight no matter how much you want to just give up. Just nagging feeling to continue on. So when it happens to you, I have a good idea what you will do. You will continue to exist, and then maybe even live, but you won't die, at least not right away.
So almost 2 years, which will make me a toddler? Learning to play with others again. Gaining more independence. Still face planting from time to time as I figure out how I fit into this world. I get why 2 year olds are such brats. When you start realizing how the world really is, I'm a total ass about it too.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Expectations for a Widow
It seems like everything is set on a timeline. You should be at this point in 6 weeks, 6 months, a year, two. That if you aren't moving at that pace something is wrong with you. Even other widows will point out that you are lagging behind, and I am sure with good hearts try to encourage you to take another step forward in you life. I won't say moving on. Really the death of a partner will stick with you for the rest of your life. Its an unavoidable fact that we all need to accept.
So I was told that I need to find someone knew at 6 months. Which I still to this day find highly insulting. Yes I am young. To most the idea of growing old alone is probably the most depressing thing in the world, but not to me. I am acceptant of the possible fate of moving through life alone. I had something really wonderful and I need to remember that and cherish it. There are people who will couple up who will never share the amount of love Adam and I had for eachother. That makes me sad. Why limit yourself? Then I have to ask myself the same question... why limit myself? What if love makes its way back into my life in the form of another human being? Could be from a child or another partner. Life is about love really. Heard it so many times. Read stories from NDE survivors. They talk about how the one thing that mattered most in the next life was love. So if love continues on into death, why should it stop in life?
There is so much left to sort through in my life to really fully commit myself to a yay or na to love. I want it for sure. I guess my issue is if I am even deserving of it. Hello? It was ripped away from me on June 24, 2010. Like wow. What was all that about? What does that really mean? And lets say we all do get reincarnated over and over again, what did we agree to with his early death? I'm sure we come down with some sort of spiritual growth game plan. Whether we learn or not is to be determined, but I wanna learn. I don't want to shut myself up and block out the world. He lived life to the fullest, why deny myself the life experiences he had. AND he had a many that I have yet to even come close to. Actually widowhood itself set up barricades around me so I couldn't experience those things. What if I can knock down those walls and say screw you society I am gonna go out there and do my own thing anyway.
Am I at peace with my progress thus far? Yes. Maybe instead of giving me relationship advice how about I give it to you? Cause I have some really good experience there and from what I know, and what I have gone through, the way your relationship looks, you will be miserable the rest of your life. YOU are denying YOURSELF a really deep and honest love. I rather be happy and alone then stuck in a relationship and miserable. Just saying.
So widows do what feels right to you. Don't shut yourself off from life. Its okay and normal to want to be alive and dead at the same time. Its okay to feel that way too. We have one crack at this life, and Adam is my inspiration to at least try and one up the kid. He has like three or four ups on me still! UGH! Game on my dear man, game on.
So I was told that I need to find someone knew at 6 months. Which I still to this day find highly insulting. Yes I am young. To most the idea of growing old alone is probably the most depressing thing in the world, but not to me. I am acceptant of the possible fate of moving through life alone. I had something really wonderful and I need to remember that and cherish it. There are people who will couple up who will never share the amount of love Adam and I had for eachother. That makes me sad. Why limit yourself? Then I have to ask myself the same question... why limit myself? What if love makes its way back into my life in the form of another human being? Could be from a child or another partner. Life is about love really. Heard it so many times. Read stories from NDE survivors. They talk about how the one thing that mattered most in the next life was love. So if love continues on into death, why should it stop in life?
There is so much left to sort through in my life to really fully commit myself to a yay or na to love. I want it for sure. I guess my issue is if I am even deserving of it. Hello? It was ripped away from me on June 24, 2010. Like wow. What was all that about? What does that really mean? And lets say we all do get reincarnated over and over again, what did we agree to with his early death? I'm sure we come down with some sort of spiritual growth game plan. Whether we learn or not is to be determined, but I wanna learn. I don't want to shut myself up and block out the world. He lived life to the fullest, why deny myself the life experiences he had. AND he had a many that I have yet to even come close to. Actually widowhood itself set up barricades around me so I couldn't experience those things. What if I can knock down those walls and say screw you society I am gonna go out there and do my own thing anyway.
Am I at peace with my progress thus far? Yes. Maybe instead of giving me relationship advice how about I give it to you? Cause I have some really good experience there and from what I know, and what I have gone through, the way your relationship looks, you will be miserable the rest of your life. YOU are denying YOURSELF a really deep and honest love. I rather be happy and alone then stuck in a relationship and miserable. Just saying.
So widows do what feels right to you. Don't shut yourself off from life. Its okay and normal to want to be alive and dead at the same time. Its okay to feel that way too. We have one crack at this life, and Adam is my inspiration to at least try and one up the kid. He has like three or four ups on me still! UGH! Game on my dear man, game on.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Spring to Change?
I love spring. Its the season of life, rebirth and change. I've been looking forward to it all summer. The warm air. The vibrant colors. Watching the world come back to life and take a huge sigh of relief that the winter wasn't too harsh at all. My first spring without him. Miami has no seasons, well maybe summer and then SUMMER. So even though I am closing in on 2 years with out him I am still in a world of first.
The day he came home things began to pick up speed for me. A significant shift back on to the path we were creating for ourselves. Little signs along the way, which I see as his nudges to keep me going forward. Though I've stayed close to the ideas and goals we wanted for ourselves, even accomplished some of the items, I have been hesitant, fearful maybe, of just staying on that path. I try to be brave and strong and say that it was the right thing to do to honor him and me and now I am realizing that its not just about that but that we did pave a highway for ourselves and I'm being an emo punk by staying off in the grass. That maybe the ideas we had were not just day dreams but predictions of our future. Okay death not apart of the scheme but maybe our connection is so strong and one of us was gonna be around to keep pursuing our dream. I have been blwon away by the possibility that achieving these dreams may come much easier than I ever expected. Where I thought I faced a mountain it is now appearing to be a small hill. Or I am fooling myself with hope and I'll end up in a rut again. I hope not though.
So spring and change and getting back on course. I am starting to study for my CFA. The reason I decided to study investments in grad school. Something we talked about in great length when deciding which track to take. He got his BI, why not me get the CFA? It'll be hard work but I think the pay off will be worth it. So another 3 years of studying. eeeeek! I can't turn down a good opportunity. I know it comes with hard work and sacrafice but I am doing it for me and I am doing it for him. He best be proud of me! I am trying. I see where I have faultered and I am not going to let those stumbles hold me down for too long. I just hope the weather stays warm and sunny for a bit. This cold darkness just doesn't do it for me.
The day he came home things began to pick up speed for me. A significant shift back on to the path we were creating for ourselves. Little signs along the way, which I see as his nudges to keep me going forward. Though I've stayed close to the ideas and goals we wanted for ourselves, even accomplished some of the items, I have been hesitant, fearful maybe, of just staying on that path. I try to be brave and strong and say that it was the right thing to do to honor him and me and now I am realizing that its not just about that but that we did pave a highway for ourselves and I'm being an emo punk by staying off in the grass. That maybe the ideas we had were not just day dreams but predictions of our future. Okay death not apart of the scheme but maybe our connection is so strong and one of us was gonna be around to keep pursuing our dream. I have been blwon away by the possibility that achieving these dreams may come much easier than I ever expected. Where I thought I faced a mountain it is now appearing to be a small hill. Or I am fooling myself with hope and I'll end up in a rut again. I hope not though.
So spring and change and getting back on course. I am starting to study for my CFA. The reason I decided to study investments in grad school. Something we talked about in great length when deciding which track to take. He got his BI, why not me get the CFA? It'll be hard work but I think the pay off will be worth it. So another 3 years of studying. eeeeek! I can't turn down a good opportunity. I know it comes with hard work and sacrafice but I am doing it for me and I am doing it for him. He best be proud of me! I am trying. I see where I have faultered and I am not going to let those stumbles hold me down for too long. I just hope the weather stays warm and sunny for a bit. This cold darkness just doesn't do it for me.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Skeptical
So I know I have kind of faded off of here for awhile and I am going to change that pronto. I am trying to adapt to my new life and well its time consuming. I need to make time for myself, time to grieve, time to really evaluate everything that has been happening, where I've been and where I am going. Its been hard because I rarely get breathing room and when I want it... well... the poor old widow can't say no. I need to let people know they have limits with me and I have been too nice lately. So reclaiming MY life and MY time and do MY own thing. I need it.
With the title of this post I have been racking my brain over an event that happened a few weeks ago. I still have epic trust issues and rightfully so. I don't know the true nature of others, and Adam's own hesitations scream to me to be cautious. Lets say I have an eyebrow raised. Still fear the worse? If my own suspitions are true I will be driven into total madness. Yeah saw Shutter Island... I get it. Some horrors of life are just too hard to deal with. Some people have breaks. This partial sanity has been nice though.
I guess I am also skeptical of this term "happiness" that gets thrown around alot. "I want you to be happy." "How can I make you happy." I think I could become content. How about this. I will be as happy as I can be as half a human being. I'm fine. I can handle myself. I am okay with being sad now. I'm used to it. I'm used to feeling that hole in my heart. That hole, the emptiness, is the reminder that he did exist and it wasn't some marvelous dream that ended in such a nightmare. People get used to living without limbs, doesn't mean that they are unaware of what they are missing every second of every day.
With the title of this post I have been racking my brain over an event that happened a few weeks ago. I still have epic trust issues and rightfully so. I don't know the true nature of others, and Adam's own hesitations scream to me to be cautious. Lets say I have an eyebrow raised. Still fear the worse? If my own suspitions are true I will be driven into total madness. Yeah saw Shutter Island... I get it. Some horrors of life are just too hard to deal with. Some people have breaks. This partial sanity has been nice though.
I guess I am also skeptical of this term "happiness" that gets thrown around alot. "I want you to be happy." "How can I make you happy." I think I could become content. How about this. I will be as happy as I can be as half a human being. I'm fine. I can handle myself. I am okay with being sad now. I'm used to it. I'm used to feeling that hole in my heart. That hole, the emptiness, is the reminder that he did exist and it wasn't some marvelous dream that ended in such a nightmare. People get used to living without limbs, doesn't mean that they are unaware of what they are missing every second of every day.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Lost
I have been so lost in whatever void I have been in lately. So much doesn't make sense and I can't even tell you where I have been, where I am going, or what's been going on. There seems to be a detachment from my existence lately. A new numbness maybe has set in to help protect myself from the massive traumatic injury to my soul. Relearning how to walk in life, kinda sucks.
I have an amazing group of supportive friends who keep me distracted. I keep jumping out every now and then for new experiences. Trying to push myself to be who I told Adam I wanted to be. Kinda faltering along the way as well. Doing things he wanted us to do together. Doing things I wanted us to do together. I am really am sticking to living the life we dreamed together. Just cause he isn't around like he should be doesn't mean his ideas and dreams and goals for US should be ignored. I am still here and we are still US, just he happens to be away for... like ever. Still his life, still mine, still ours. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
It really is so odd to be half a person. To try to find strength inside yourself to pick yourself back up and try to push forward. Ultimately I am moving towards my grave and that makes me happy. Like ah, one day, its guaranteed I will be gone and I will be out of this hell and its GUARANTEED!! WOOOOO!!! Only thing in this whole entire life I can be certain of. It helps. Not knowing when erks the hell out of me, but its gonna happen.
Anyways I know I have been MIA lately. Once I wander back towards a computer again I will write some more.
I have an amazing group of supportive friends who keep me distracted. I keep jumping out every now and then for new experiences. Trying to push myself to be who I told Adam I wanted to be. Kinda faltering along the way as well. Doing things he wanted us to do together. Doing things I wanted us to do together. I am really am sticking to living the life we dreamed together. Just cause he isn't around like he should be doesn't mean his ideas and dreams and goals for US should be ignored. I am still here and we are still US, just he happens to be away for... like ever. Still his life, still mine, still ours. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
It really is so odd to be half a person. To try to find strength inside yourself to pick yourself back up and try to push forward. Ultimately I am moving towards my grave and that makes me happy. Like ah, one day, its guaranteed I will be gone and I will be out of this hell and its GUARANTEED!! WOOOOO!!! Only thing in this whole entire life I can be certain of. It helps. Not knowing when erks the hell out of me, but its gonna happen.
Anyways I know I have been MIA lately. Once I wander back towards a computer again I will write some more.
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