Bittersweet Birthday

Well the 17th he would have turned 29. A very hard and confusing day for me.

His birthday was the special one between us. For me his best birthday was his 26th. Though the one last year to Vegas was pretty sweet. For his 26th we stayed at a bed and breakfast. Spent a whole day at the museums with a very good friend. Saw the Colbert portrait. Drove past the hospital he was born in. He was giddy about that. We rented a Ford Mustang for him to drive around in. I threw him a surprise birthday party. Basically a party any 6 year old would have wanted minus the beer. Cake, food, games, friends, it was a blast. Plus this is the only birthday that we ever recorded video.

"Don't hit the car!!!"

So very happy

I smile and I cry when I see the films. I love that I can hear his voice. Hear him laugh. See him act goofy. This is my favorite clip. I call him out on how he is playing the game. This one is internet safe. It doesn't show anyone's full face. Yeah I am awesome on that front huh? 

What can I do now to continue to show him how special he is to me?  It hurts so bad. I feel so odd, weird, strange because I can't do anything for him anymore. I feel so inadequate and frustrated.  I do feel some joy though. Joyful with the fact that I could make him so happy. That even when things were so sour in his life that I could help him forget even for a few moments the pains he was enduring. I made his soul smile and that is truly special.