Surviving...

On day one, if you had told me I would make it to 8 months I would have laughed you off . There was NO way that my my body would be able to withstand the pain of this experience. Where in the beginning I was hemorrhaging from his departure, my survival instincts kicked in and slowed the flow of emotional bleeding. I don't understand why I am still alive but it seems I have no choice in the matter.

I don't think I will ever be able to properly express my deep appreciation to everyone who was there for me when I needed them. And continue to be there for me when I need them. I do think that you should work on keeping the good people in your life as close as possible. I don't think my friends realize that the simple text messages, phone calls, facebook postings, the hugs, the opening of their homes, the outings, helping me laugh, remembering... that these small little things have been the life savers keeping me afloat. I am truly blessed to have such a uniquely diverse loyal group of friends. I hope that the universe does reward them for their compassion and generosity.

There is also a group of folks that I have come to hear their stories of loss. Of their own struggles during this life altering experience. This is a sad hard fact but it is nice to know you are not alone in the dark waters. I have read so many stories of survival where a group went overboard and that each person called out to the other, and once they were in a group they could fight together to try to survive being lost at sea. As a story this is the best way to explain a support group. I am thankful that I am not "out there" all alone.

Currently I am taking things one day at a time. I am in the 7th-8th month dip. Where I was able to feel a week out in advance I am not emotionally capable at this time to go further than two days at most. Any step forward, no matter the size, is a step in the right direction.

I have set some goals for my future that are based on the dreams, goals, and expectations we, as a couple, made. They are there for me when I am ready. It is okay to put things on hold for a while. I was suggested to not make any major decisions for a year and for the most part I am sticking to that suggestion. I do love our ideas and want to make them come true. As I am "a go with the flow" kinda gal, I am okay if death comes knocking on my door to take me away. Its okay because there must be something more important for me to do in the next life. I will miss my friends and family A LOT but I think that I will feel peace because I know I will see them all eventually.

We all die, when is the big question. For now I continue to breath and survive.