Toxicity of Guilt and Fear

There are many aspects to grief and guilt is one of them. It eats you up and spits you out as a huge messy wad.

My guilt is that I couldnt take all his troubles away. Sharing was how we bonded. We were travelers on the same road. We spoke often of the obstacles we encountered and helped each other over others as they came. There just wasnt enough time for either of us to absorb the severity of his disease. We were robbed of his life. Taken by suprise and he was gone the next. What could I have done differently to save him? The answer is nothing. I am not a doctor and even doctors didnt fully understand the complexity of his illness. So why beat myself up with guilt? Because its a natural basic human instinc and I, sadly to say, am human.

It takes great effort to take these thoughts of guilt and turn them away from the mind. My biggest regret in life was not talking to him when I was 16. I want more time with him and if I had been aware of what he would mean to me then I would have run up on that stage and held onto him for dear life. His cancer gave us no early indications that it was working itself up inside his body until it really was too late. His reservations to the medical industry is what bought us six more months together. I am thankful for that but so very sad and depressed that he is gone.

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I had a dream last night that got me thinking. We are all marked for death. No matter where we run and hide its going to find us. In my dream an assassin is stalking me and corners me in a room. I frantically look for an escape but the red beam of his gun always finds me. I want to stop running from death. To stand up and accept that true nature of life and death. My greatest fear, I am learning, is that all our hard work will be in vain. If I fall who will finish our work?

I studied Raphael in a class and after he passed his apprentice completed his final painting, Transfiguration. A beautiful piece of art. Adam's life to me is like this painting both in the symbolic representation in the piece and the fact that like Raphael, Adam left a great piece of work unfinished. I want to make sure it is completed. I think guilt will destroy me completely if I dont finish. And there inlies my greatest fear.

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I guess what I am thinking is that guilt and fear are normal feelings to have but unhealthy when they force you not to live. It taks strength and courage to fight these feelings off to do what you need to do in life. Sometimes these feelings can fuel your fire and help you stay focused on your task. My guilt and fear does stop me in my tracks and I continue to persevre over these foul feelings to continue a life he would be proud of. I hope I am making him proud. My name means strength, lets hope ny parents gave me the right name for my character.