Happy Dreams and a Living Nightmare

I dream of Adam. More often in the first half of my journey. All  of them have been good dreams. Okay, a few were off but not nightmares. Waking up is when the nightmare begins.

I like this from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: "When you possess great treasures within you, and try to tell others of them, seldom are you believed." I could careless what you believe, because I know what I know.

In the beginning we were constantly trying to swap data as quickly as possible. More because I was fearful that something would happen and our connection would close. I needed to tell him everything just in case. He was relaxed, annoyed with me more often than not, but still kind. Now I am more relaxed. I can just enjoy our moments together. Life is just a collection of moments and we are still alive when we sleep right? I can look into his brown eyes, touch his soft skin, and just smile ear to ear knowing we are together. We can laugh and joke and have serious conversations. All things we did when he was here but the context vastly different. I know he is dead, he knows he is dead. I am not trying to nurse him back to health. I am not trying to bring him here. I do beg him to take me there but he just pouts his lips and says my time will come. He wants to say when, I can see it and feel it from him. He sucked at keeping secrets and I am a pro at pulling them out of him. I'll get that date and it will be the last thing I do.

Then I wake up. And for a few brief moments I can still feel normal. I feel like my whole self. Then it dawns on me, he isn't here and I miss him. At times the pressure of his absence drives me to the edge of my sanity. It hurts more than anything in the world. I go outside everyday because being in nature instead of the confines of a human made structure helps me feel closer to him. Before his death I wanted nothing more than to be inside and now I just want to be out. Maybe because in death we do meld back into the vibrations of the universe. I don't know. I do know that I feel more connected to him outside.

I rather be asleep in dreamland with him than awake in this horrible reality without. This world is so strange without him. I was born into a world where he existed. Is this what the first year of his life felt like without me? Its shenanigans!