Disconnected

Lately I have been feeling completely disjointed from the world. As if I were on drugs and I am aware that what I am seeing and experiencing are not real. How can this horror be a reality? I tend to feel outside of myself when I go out and do things. Or when I reflect on the events of the week I just don't identify with the experiences. Did I really do that this week? month? year? It is a bit frustrating to have no real relationship to the current events of my life. Maybe I am living in the past and even that doesn't seem to be the case. Every morning I think about Adam and every night I fall asleep to thoughts of him. I did this from the day we met over 7 years ago. He is worth the space in my mind and heart. With him I could live in the moment and reflect and go yeah I so totally did that. Now I reflect and question if anything did happen. Was I just there? Did I just talk to so and so? What did we do? How did I feel at that moment? This is all so crazy and surreal. Maybe I just cannot accept this new reality. This is a bad dream. A horrible trip. Something is so seriously off that I just cannot grasp what has been happening to me. Why would I want to accept the idea that my best friend has been gone for over 14 months? This just sucks.