No Good Reason

Yup. I am still here, living and breathing and I am some what pissed off. I out lived my boo. Now what? Seriously was hoping that after the 14th this would all be over and I would be dead and not have to live this life anymore. Damn you creative power I hope is there. I did surround myself with friends and I felt comforted by them. Even heard some really thought provoking statements about what they feel for my future. Seems I have gone blind with the direction my life is heading. Everything used to just work out for us until he died. That's why when they revived him I was like, omg that was close, we are just some of those people who are lucky. Of all the cancers to get he had the "curable" one. Why did our luck have to dry up on that day?

I keep hearing this phrase... everything happens for a reason. What reason is there that justifies a great life being lost at such a young age? Why does anyone have to suffer at all? Why should one person's suffering benefit another? That's really sadistic. This phrase always... ALWAYS makes me cringe... but this time... it actually has me actively thinking..... God is one sadistic mother fucker. Look what he got Abraham to do, or the story of Job, and what he put his one and only son through. I mean come on he is your son and hanging on a cross was how he had to go? Why not something far more quick and painless than being nailed to a cross?? Its your kid for Christ sakes. (Pun intended). Sorry folks that is pretty sick and twisted. Saving humanity from eternal damnation is pretty awesome but... um... why did he have to die? Wouldn't it have been better if he got another 30-50 years to continue to preach the word? Traveling back in those days was kinda slow. We age and being like old has to suck and death is just a nice thing to get rid of our deteriorating bodies. Death at a young age just doesn't make any sense. And he is God, he should be able to like, stop it. Just open the doors to heaven and call us all home and we can be in a place of peace and happiness forever and ever. Why the tirades??

So what doors have opened because he has died? None that I can see. I think its bullshit. I want him and the life we were building together. We were able to make so much work together that so many could never and will never do. So what now? I have no idea where life wants to take me anymore. What am I working towards? The only thing I have done is to keep pursuing what we were going after because that was a lot of work and sacrifice and I don't want to let that all go to waste. That is just wrong in my opinion. Even the times I just stop doing everything and float in this world I feel no pull in any direction. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I am just talking myself in circles. Crap. Going no where fast.