Dazed and Confused

I am in a state of confusion. It is so hard to comprehend that this is my new reality. Deep down inside I know he is here right by my side but my eyes cannot see him, my ears fail to hear his voice, my skin c sense his touch, but I know... oh I know... without a shadow of doubt that he is here. The logical side of my brain has to ask...why is this? Is it because his spirit stays with me? Is it because I am still in the denial phase? I feel as if though I am moments away from him walking through the door and him saying "Honey, I'm home!!" Sometimes I think maybe I am not that far away from walking into his world. Oh what a relief that would be. End this charade I have been living.

These obscure thoughts actually help me not slip into the abyss of depression. I have such hope and faith that we are together with only a thin veil between us. I know some people think this is all crazy but I cannot ignore my feelings. Why are they so strong? I guess like the moment I saw him filing out his application I KNEW he was going to be mine.

I keep grappling with this doomsday feeling but for the first time I am happy and excited for what it will bring. Which highly concerns me. The last time I had this feeling I was in a constant state of fear. Then my dear friend passed away. Why is my soul happy that something bad is looming around the corner again? Am I really going bat shit crazy? I want this event to happen. Like I feel it is going to resolve so many wrongs in my life. How bad of me to wish for something negative to happen in my life.

So here I am moving forward on our plans. Doing what we as a couple set out to do. I feel the universe is working with me to complete my tasks in life. Also feel protected. I feel we were right to choose this particular path.  If this has to be the way things are I might as well accept some aspects of this life and be proactive.

Oh and a strange occurrence. I went to sleep last night and woke up in a state of panic. For a few brief moments I had absolutely no clue where I was or how I got there. Freaky and it really does add to my state of confusion.

Adam if you are reading this, you domesticated the hell out of me. With your love and encouragement you were molding me to be a great wife. I just wish you were here for me to spoil.