Thanksgiving #2

This is my second thanksgiving without him. I fared better than last year. Last year I hid under the covers and ate in my room. I kept isolated. I cried a lot. The pain at times was unbearable and I thought of various ways to end my suffering. I still can't get over the wall of what it would do to my friends and my family if I did clock out from this life. ::rolls eyes:: If I could over come that mind block I would be with Adam right this second. For now I am relying on a hope that my earthly experation date isn't that much further away. This is my life, this is my reality.

Its hard to distract a grieving person, my friends did the best that they could and I am thankful that they did. I am loved. Not the love I want, no one will ever be able to out do Adam, but I got enough to keep me afloat. I read his love letters and it reassured who we are as a couple. How he felt about me and how he knew I felt about him. Why he had to talk about death in these I don't know, but its good because I know what ideas he wanted...and has... carried into the next life. He is waiting for me and woooo that is a relief for sure. I'd wait my ass outside the pearly gates for him, no question. He is worth it and I am worth it to him. Sorry it is not paradise unless you have the one you love, your other half, at your side. Thats just logic.

Anyways I did what Adam would do, I went to the Thanksgiving Ravens game. We won wooot. There were a few odd things that happened. One the section I was in, my birthday. It was the 17th month anniversary and I sat next to seat 17. This one old dude ended up trying to steal that seat. It was vacant in a sold out game. Everytime the guy tried to sit down he would bolt up. After awhile he gave up and just sat on the back of the chair or stood. I think Adam was erked this guy was taking his seat!

Adam was in the band so it was cool to watch them play. He would have looked so sexy in the new uniform. After the 3rd quarter was the drum line. He was a drummer. I felt his raging jealousy that he wasn't down there. lol. It was an odd feeling because it wasn't mine.

The day overall didn't feel like the holiday I remember. Maybe because I didn't do one thing remotely close to our old traditions. I think its a good thing because, well if it doesn't feel like it supposed to, and I was thoroughly distracted from the pain. Grief has already been trying to break me down and it will. One can only stand up to it for so long until you are overcome by the feelings. Another month of dueling with the monster and I will be back in the fetal position.

I finally settled on what I want for Christmas. A promise to be fulfilled. One made and reassured to me would happen. Pray for me folks this happens.