Running out of Reasons

Adam would always warn me about situations. Strange how we struggle to see things for ourselves but so clearly for other people. Anyways he told me I was playing with fire and yet again he was right. I always told him to stop being so naive but in reality so was I. I guess as we got older we began to think that there was good out there in this sad sick twisted world. I think we were right the first time. Or at least there is some good but mainly its just bad. Yup learning how cruel and heartless people are. I guess in situations like this you get to really see people's true colors. People you assumed were okay end up being dark two faced trash. They have to live with themselves and that is some serious punishment in the end. Sigh....

Anyways I am losing my grip on life. I still can go outside and look at the sky and nature and think its beautiful. Some days are more stunning than others but the beauty is still there. That can't be my only reason for sticking around. I am waiting, or trying my best to have patience with my own demise.

I talk to people about my 'future' and I don't feel it. My future is crumbling around me anyways. I don't want to fight anymore and people are getting pissed off at me. They don't know the agony I am in!  My whole..."real" college career he was there. He helped me proof read paper and study for exams. He put together my powerpoints, or helped me with some design elements for a project. Then in the last 6 months I am told to rush to learn a whole new way to go about school. So what if I get my degree and graduate, what then? I can't buy him presents or take him on vacations. I can't get him a MacBook for his graduation gift. His 30th birthday present was going to be an Audi A4. Our honeymoon was going to be at the 2012 Olympic games in England. I can't take US there. He would be pissed if I went to England. He said he wanted to be my tour guide. He was so excited to show me things I had never seen before. He wanted to be there for one of my "first". Whenever I would "steal" a first he would get mad at me. "Baby I wanted to do that for you so I could see your face when..." you did this or that. They talk about the first year is a year of first. I don't want to do it.

Kind of rambling. Every reason someone tells me to keep pushing forward on, I can find a way to toss that reason out. I am still trying to sort out what he has told me and what he would want me to do. Whenever I get ready to do it...I just feel a strong urge to wait....like something is going to happen to help me release. I grew up in a world that only knew him, I really HATE this world without him.