Sigh....

I don't do anything unless Adam gives me the okay. Yeah we're still communicate everyday. Today after crying over a beautiful quote, I was debating on posting it. I asked Adam to give me a sign if I should. To which he immediately replied, "What is the sign of a good decision?" So I posted it. Was it the wrong decision? No. I got his approval. I think its about damn time a dialog was opened up regarding the issue at hand. Believe you me I wanted this to air out years ago. I was tempted to talk about this months ago but Adam told me to keep quiet. It is time and if this is how the conversation had to start I guess its how it has to be done. Ugh. 

 

 Now....I don't think attacking someone is the way to do ANYTHING. Adam and I taught each other how to over come things like this. I have a few emails were he would email me after someone had sent him a very cruel attacking email.  He would be so angry he would fight with me! Hey buddy, I'm your ally here, lets figure it out. We always said we were better than that so we don't go to their level and say mean and hurtful things. He was able to then calmly and collectively say what needed to be said without name calling or derogatory comments. He was the better person for it. It ended up becoming second nature to both of us. I would love to take the easy road and just spew out words, but Adam taught me better because I taught him better. Greatest part of our relationship was our shared growth.  

 

Again I must say this....this journey of being a widow is fucking hard. As Adam put it, we are married  just not on paper. I never needed a piece of paper to tell me my level of commitment to him. I made a promise to Adam that I intend to keep. He made the stakes really high, but I love him so much I have absolutely no problem in keeping my promise. I am bearing his cross. I do so with my head held high and I take my and his beatings when they come.  

 

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 I had to steal this from a member of this support group. Thanks LG

 

 "I think as our souls grow older and older, we challenge ourselves with harder and harder experiences. So the oldest souls have the toughest challenges, but also the sweetest, wisest and most compassionate demeanors. While the youngest most "shallow" souls have the easiest lives, yet are the least fulfilled, happy, enriched, and tend to take their good fortune for granted."

 

 I was told my whole life I am an old soul. I know Adam is one too. The horrors we were dealt, the challenges we have faced, how we longed to be poor, dumb and ignorantly happy. We felt that we were doing something more meaningful. We learned about unconditional love, perseverance, sacrifice, patience, strength, and courage. I don't know what else there is left for me to learn, but I am still here trying to figure that out. There are days I wish I was ignorant and self absorbed. Alas I am wise beyond my years and cannot enter that train of thought.