Random Thoughts

He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.... he got his wish... tragic his life would end at 28.

September 14. I will out live him on this day by a second, a minute, a hour.

They say a dying man tells no lies. There is hope inside my heart that his prophecy will come true.

Sometimes I jump for joy knowing the one thing that is for certain in my life, I will die. When if kinda up in the air but I will. So will everyone. We all die. Its the universal truth. Our brains try to run away from this fact but its gonna happen. Now that the one and only person I ever want to be with is gone, if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't fight death but welcome it as my friend. I have awaiting his arrival since June 24, 2010.

Everyday I find out another event in our lives and coming to realize we really are soul mates. I was created for him from him. Or maybe he was created from me for me. That is up for debate. hehe. He is my soul's twin.

I think it would be nice to win the lottery. So I can ensure we can have a child and that they are taken care of for life. Realize our dream of helping the homeless. Travel the world, help people without having to worry about helping myself financially anymore. One can only wish.

The cats smell and without his help I can't bathe them. Ugh. I may have to just find the energy inside me to do it cause its becoming obnoxious.

Wednesday night TV is horrible so I have way too much to think about. Plus I've been down all day. I do have up days believe it or not. When I can function like a normal human being, but today was just bleh.

Would like a job soon. Just to be able to apply my years of education to a career would make the time and effort worth it.

Disconnected

Lately I have been feeling completely disjointed from the world. As if I were on drugs and I am aware that what I am seeing and experiencing are not real. How can this horror be a reality? I tend to feel outside of myself when I go out and do things. Or when I reflect on the events of the week I just don't identify with the experiences. Did I really do that this week? month? year? It is a bit frustrating to have no real relationship to the current events of my life. Maybe I am living in the past and even that doesn't seem to be the case. Every morning I think about Adam and every night I fall asleep to thoughts of him. I did this from the day we met over 7 years ago. He is worth the space in my mind and heart. With him I could live in the moment and reflect and go yeah I so totally did that. Now I reflect and question if anything did happen. Was I just there? Did I just talk to so and so? What did we do? How did I feel at that moment? This is all so crazy and surreal. Maybe I just cannot accept this new reality. This is a bad dream. A horrible trip. Something is so seriously off that I just cannot grasp what has been happening to me. Why would I want to accept the idea that my best friend has been gone for over 14 months? This just sucks.

Animal Senses

Adam became an animal whisperer. Okay he couldn't talk to animals or understand their thoughts but they were drawn to him. Especially the last two years. Maybe the smell of his cancer was seeping out of his pores. We only knew he had cancer for less than 2 months but I hear animals can tell earlier. Recently animals have been nicer and nicer to me. Maybe because they can tell I am a broken shattered soul biding my time until my death and reunion with Adam. Maybe I have some disease raging inside of my body that I am just too nervous to get checked out. I take some of my interactions with wild animals as being signs from Adam. Um yeah a bird shouldn't just roll up to my front porch and chill.

Or come flying out of the dark of night right by my head at the same exact moment I am screaming in my head how much my life sucks without Adam. Then come to rest within two feet of me. Pic taken about 6 inches away.

And these guys come and they just chill. I go inside and they don't go away unless I push them away. These two guys were taken one month apart. 7/7/11 and 8/9/11. They always come when I am feeling really down.

In the beginning stray cats would come to the house and let me pet them. I would see them for a week and then they would disappear never to be seen again. What is going on inside of me that now, after Adam's death, animals are coming to me? The frequency has been increasing and sometimes I am lucky enough to have my phone in my hand to take a picture. Sometimes I don't. Like the snowy white owl I saw in April. Or the lizards that run across my toes. Like waaay too often now. Oh one of the lizards Adam and I found and rescued during one of our cold spells came around recently. I wondered where he got to, he is chillin on the trunk of the palm tree. Funny, I can hear Adam saying "Liiiiiiiiizard!!" Pic 7/22

So answer me people, why are all these animals just chillin by me? What are they picking up on that lets them feel safe or that their fight or flight mode does not kick in? I like to think signs from Adam. I am open to a sound scientific explanation for all of these events. However I don't think science can fully explain what has been happen. Maybe I can have fun with statistics and pull the dates off the pics I do have and see if the events are random or not. Hmm...

All of them make me feel good. I am dying one day at a time, just not sure how quickly I am approaching that date. One can dream.

Tested

Some weeks I can feel myself being tested more than others. Am I being the woman he wants me to be? Am I the woman I want to be? As I am sitting around questioning myself I come across this quote from Winnie the Pooh.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."

 

Funny how little sayings and quotes find me in my time of need. I won't get into details of my trails but I think I did what I needed to do in the best way I knew how. Could I have done it better, sure. Always room for improvement but I learned a lot about so many things. Living is learning and learning is growing. 

There is some excitement as I am about to finish something we started together 5 1/2 years ago.  The completion of this endevour is a bit easier to deal with knowing I have his support. He did come to me in a dream and insisted I finish. After this is done, I have no clue where the universe is going to take me next. So another week another set of test. I have made it this far right?

Strangeness

People envy my life?! Woah. I am blessed. I know that. I am very thankful for all of the things I have in my life. There is that saying it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I do believe this. Sometimes I don't want anyone to have to go through what I have endured but then again, they never will have found love. Love is awesome. Especially when you are with someone who loves you no matter how big a dumb ass you can be. That they can forgive you for all of your indiscretions and love you and all of your imperfections. I find that I miss his idiosyncrasies the most. I miss our heated debates. He even laughed at me once and was like, you just like to start arguments don't you? Yes, I am an argumentative person and you play along with me and its great. He could challenge my thoughts and it helped me grow as a person. Isn't life about learning, growing, and love? I like to think so.

Yes I am spoiled. My family and friends spoil me. Adam still spoils me rotten. The thing is, I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else I know. I have it good. Would be way better with Adam, he was the one who always reminded me why I should continue to move forward, and he still does in a different way. I even hear his "I told you so." ringing in my ears when I come to a realization about a certain situation. Damn, he did call that one.

I guess this leads me to something else... they say a dying man tells no lies. Adam said something very specific about my future. He was in a dazed state when he said it. I mull these words over in my head a lot and they give me comfort. I hope his premonition is correct. Fingers Crossed!

Cosmis Love

Because I live under a rock most of the time, I just heard this song and I so relate to it.

Lyrics:
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Circle of Grief

I am a ball of emotions. Which one to grab? How about the anger? I know I should let it go. I'm mad at the universe for taking him away instead of ridding the world of the garbage. Which then leads me to wonder, what the hell did I do wrong to still be here? He is off in a place of peace and love and here I am living hell on earth. So that makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I am too dumb to figure out my life lesson fast enough to go home to him. Like I am failing him for not solving the problem fast enough and ending our temporary separation. Could he break that mental barrier I sit at everyday? Then I get depressed. I am here and he is there and there is nothing we can do to change it. This is when I feel hopeless. The only way to get over the pain of seeing no light is to search for even a hint of hope in the darkness. Denial is how I numb myself back up. Noope, he is coming home anytime now. I am gonna sit here and wait. Boy do I have words for him for not picking up his phone or replying to my emails. I just want to see him and hold him. In his arms every wrong in the world fades away and for those few moments it is just me and him and I am in paradise. I want to feel that peace, love, and joy for eternity with him. If I am good and I behave maybe the universe, or god, or some high power will see that Adam and I are deserving of that feeling of being whole again.

Now the cycle starts all over again.