6 months...

So here I am. I have survived 6 months without my best friend. He was far more than that, but words really do fall short when trying to describe what someone really means to you. I used to bug him all the time, "What do you love most about me?" He would always reply, "Everything."At the time that answer annoyed me. I needed details, but I get it now. I love everything about him, problems and all. He really did teach me about unconditional love. I thank him for that over and over.

My mind cannot comprehend the injustice of his death. I have come to terms that acceptance will never happen. Honestly I don't ever want to accept it. He was right, no one will ever be able to live up to him. I get that on sooooo many levels now. Pissed me off before, actually hurt my feelings, I thought he was insinuating I could never find another to love me. I could, but it'll never be to the caliber that he loved me and I could never love anyone more than I love him. Okay...too gushy even for my taste....

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This is my first Christmas without him. Every tradition I had before is out the window. I watched the Community Christmas special and maybe that will be my new tradition. Highly recommend you watching it. Community Claymation Christmas

The First Time I Saw Him

The first time I saw Adam was in 1999 at what we dubbed “The Howard Show”. I had turned 16 in the spring so I had my drivers license. I was free to move around the county! I heard about the Howard show from friends and that a band from my high school would be playing. A friend of mine was the bassist so I drove up to show support and listen to some good music.

I met up with one of my girlfriends who had gone to enjoy the music. She taught me how to play bass and we used to jam together. She was the first person to introduce me to rock music. Playing in orchestra I was mostly focused on classical music. I would listen to the radio and was more top 40s before I met her. Adam was playing music that she had introduced to me. So his band stood out to me. 

I didn’t know it at the time but I was making fun of him because his dad was recording him on the old video recorder. I saw him mom standing in the back corner talking to some other women. I thought it was hilarious that someone had brought their parents along. The girls and I poked fun at this observation.“Awe…look who brought mommy and daddy to the show” “really they are recording on that hunk of junk?” So from the first day I saw him, I was giving him a hard time. All in good fun and it never stopped. 

Adam was really into what he was playing. His movements were exaggerated. He played hard, so hard in fact that his bass drum kept sliding across the platform he was on. At the end of each song, he would stand up, grab his bass drum, and slide it back in front of him. Again we poked fun at him. During one of the songs the lights in the gym went out. Only for his band were the lights lowered. He said he worked it out that they would get that special privilege. It was cool, and once they were done playing the lights came on. 

I remember the shirt he was wearing. It was orange and black, a weird textured shirt that looked like swirls. Not the best fabric to wear when playing as hard as he was because he clearly became hot and took this shirt off. He had a wife beater underneath and he was so skinny! His chest was sunken in and he was pale. I thought it was kinda hot but he was a little over the top for me. ssssha

Adam was such a dork. Always was a dork, which is one of the main reason why I love him so. I am a big dork too. He told me he had forgotten to bring some carpet for the show and that is why he was kicking out the bass drum off the platform. He was hilarious and goofy, but I didn’t talk to him, because well I was too cool for him. HA! I am a shy person so I talked to a few friends after his performance and left. At the end of the show he was selling/giving away his band’s cds. That would have been one of the best times for us to meet but I was focused on my friends and he was focused on passing out his music so it didn't happen that day.

We always talked about that day; it was one of the first memorable chances that the fates were bringing us together. I have spoken to those who were there and none of the remember Adam specifically. His soul must have caught mine’s attention and that is why this day became seared into my head. 

I had been to plenty of other shows for local high school bands and I never remembered anything about anyone other than the bands my friends played in. There were about 4-5 bands playing that night and I only remember my friend's band and Adam’s band. So it was strange that when we met 5 years later I could recount all of this to Adam. He would recount his perceptive of that night to me. Explain why he was such a loser and brought his parents. haha. His parents have the video somewhere. Adam and I watched it once. It was grainy but everything I had told him I remember flashed across the screen and our jaws dropped. I actually remembered it all correctly!!

Sometimes your soul knows something you don’t. There is a reason why my eye went to Adam that night. There is a reason why this memory never escaped my head like so many others had before. The next 5 years SUCKED for us, but the events that happened in that time really helped us to bond even more after we met. There was a reason why we didn’t start dating after that night, though I like to think that our lives would have been better if we had. 

So that’s the story of the first time I saw my lovely. I found his band's CD and that’s what urged me to write this piece today.  

Like Souls Move Together

Not many other couples can say that they lived identical lives prior to meeting. It was like the heavens gave us the same life test. Not every answer we made was an exact duplicate. Are two essay answers ever the exact same? Well if you cheat maybe. The wording may have varied but the answers were about the same on so many questions. Looking back, if we could have changed things, we would have. We agreed that some answers were wrong and that is why at certain parts of our lives we were failing. Hindsight let us learn why we were wrong and to not repeat those disastrous responses again. It was because of all these shared experiences that I knew we were meant for each other.

They say that like souls gravitate to each other. That we move through eternity in groups. Be it from earth straight to heaven, reincarnation, or moving to higher planes of existence, you have one family of souls you stick with. This does not mean that your blood family is apart of that group. As Richard Bach said:

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."

Because Adam is a smarty pants, he seems to have finish the test and jumped to the next stage of existence.   I suck at taking test so me being a little behind isn't too bad. If its a little.

Head, Shoulders....knees and toes?

So I am a physical wreck. I tore something in my shoulder and it needs surgery. The doctor told me I could live with the pain and limited mobility or go in for surgery. Still kinda freaked, last time I was in the hospital I broke my arm and I woke up when they were about to reset the bone. I hear that's a normal fear to have, waking up in the middle of the procedure.

Well to top that off I have body numbness, nausea, headaches, horrible pains down my left arm and left leg. I am a walking pharmacy now. Had an MRI of my head and neck, I am no radiologist so I donno, but I searched on the web and it looks clean to me. I thought that about my shoulder MRI and it came back full of problems. Part of me hopes they find something so I know why this crap is happening to my body. Oh and the recurring fever! That is awesome.

Well having another headache coming on and my toes are going numb.

I find it unfair that I was your caretaker but you're not mine. :( You would be so proud to see how I take pills now, far more normal than before.

Not Interested

I keep having these dreams where some guy is trying to flirt with me. Ugh. I am never interested and ALWAYS blow them off. I am just so disgusted by my own brain even coming up with this crap. I had a few dreams where Adam was hanging around another girl and each and every time he tells me that they are just friends. I guess I am still learning about trust. Trust in myself and trust in him.


Maybe these trust dreams mean something more. Since he has access to new information regarding the afterlife I am trusting that he will give me a sign or something regarding when we will be together again."Soon"' is no longer acceptable.

They say patience is a virtue. I am starting to run dry as I approach 6 months. I got a funny feeling about my future and I am oddly calm with that feeling. I know I built up an expectation for this month with Adam for 5 years. Already NONE of that is going to happen like we planned. Sucks I don't have someone to bounce my ideas off of. To hear him say things my tummy always turned certain ways so I knew what was gonna happen and what wasn't. I miss him so much.

Lights...

They say that spirits can manipulate energies. The first few months I begged and begged Adam to do something with the lights. Flicker, turn on, whatever, just something with the lights. About two months later I go outside at night and the vampire lady's front porch light is on. (Strange Story). She NEVER puts this light on. Another element that makes her so weird. It caught my eye and the porch light started flickering. I was like no way! To which I told Adam, seriously? The crazy lady's house. No. This house. I won't believe it until its this house.

Last night I went outside again as usual and the crazy lady's porch light is on. Didn't flicker but because it is so unusual for her to have it on, I took note. Went inside to watch TV with mom. Micro, Adam's kitty, looks up at the chandelier and stares. For years one of the lights has been burnt out. No one ever bothered to replace it because honestly it didn't matter. Plus only Adam was tall enough to change it without a ladder. He never did.  I looked up on Monday and the light was burnt out. Micro looks up at it Tuesday and every bulb is lit. No one who lives in this house changed it. Hmmmm....

Adam? Is that you? Can I have my lighters back? They seem to be disappearing again.

Fun Birth Facts

The first name of the doctors that brought us into this world were both named David. How odd is that?! I mean both a David?!?! It is a common name, but still the odds. Adam was born on the 35th minute of the hour and I was born on the 37th minute. Both afternoon. Both military hospitals. Both south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Both born with one hair color that fell out and grew in blond. Adam got a kick out of our similarities, I think the new doctor realization would  have amuse him.  Loads more but thats what I would like to share for now.