Graduation....

When you lose your best friend in the whole wide world nothing else matters anymore. So I have been laying in pain (both emotional and physical). Dealing with bouts of sickness that no one cares about. "Its just stress", I nearly forgot about graduation. Dec 13.

Last year I was going to walk but opted out since my grandfather was sick and we were told he would go at any minute. I didn't want to do something joyous when the family was at such a low point. It tore me up. It wasn't even happy about it anymore. I already got my degree because I graduated in August but was walking in December. I was very upset with what was going on with my grandpa and wanted to be ready whenever the time came. They told us weeks, he lived months. Also figured I was going to be graduating next December so its okay. I wanted Adam to walk for his AA but he used the same logic, the better one is coming up.

Now I am back to another dark moment around another graduation ceremony. I don't want to do it. I am doing what I have to do participate but I don't know if I will. I think I will be bawling my eyes out too much and not because I will be happy but because he should be there. He will be rewarded a posthumous degree. He should be walking. He wanted to rub it in his family's face that he could do this without them. He was so proud of himself. I was so proud of him. He was so proud of me. He gloated to people at work about me doing my masters. He was the only one who really truly cared. He pushed me when I wanted to give up.

I am so lost without him.