Binary Universe..Its in the box!!

I 'named' our binary solar system. I wanted to do this a while ago. Actually I wanted him to do this a while ago. I hinted when we first started going out and I am thankful for the gift I got instead. I think the other gift was the best gift he ever got me. I know he is up in the heavens and I got our lil spot in the cosmos.

It was a bit pricey. I went all out on the package, one I got will go to his son one day. I think he would think its cool. We enjoyed going out at night and looking up at the sky. One year we got binoculars and tried to look at the planets. Epic fail. My eye sight is trash so I didn't see anything but lil specs of light and I couldn't keep my hands steady. Space was always my thing, I am glad I got him into it after awhile.

I miss him terribly. I hope he hears my prayers.

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On another note, twice I have heard "what's in the box" in the span of a week. Actually looking at his urn, its a box, that thought came into my head. What sadness me the most is people who should have known Adam, never realized or knew that this was one of his most favorite expressions. Since they and some others never got to know him, and a shame really, here is a video that is the closest on how he said this and when. Adam is Robin and I am Ted. Like Ted I would give him the stink eye and he would be like what?

So much to say....

"We could talk, or not talk for hours and still find something to not talk about." - Best in Show

We had our ritual. It was a prerequisite when we started going out. Part of our "room-mate" agreement if you will. We had to ask the other how their day was whether we cared or not. So most of the time when we talked to each other about school we just zoned out unless there was some drama. When I needed his insight on something he was full attention and always gave me good advice. Didn't always take it, same with him, but at least it was there. His two cents on the situation. I quickly became dependent on those two pennies.

Now I am down to paying someone an hour a week to listen to me and provide their $$$ feed back on my thoughts and feelings. At least she lost her husband to leukemia so she gets the grief thing.  What was hours upon hours of me and Adam therapy, now I have to jam a full weeks worth of issues into really....40 minutes. I don't get how people do it alone. I just...don't....get....it. I don't even understand people who are in relationships and don't tell each other everything. You don't have to discuss every event, but "the love of your life" should know about every significant event. Glad we had that much.

Now back to suffering in silence.

Bond of Silence

Haven't watched the made for tv lifetime movie yet. Been quietly thinking an event over....

The basics is I saw a print ad for the show...two of the girls in the show are from Caprica. I was like oh cool, Adam would have entertained me on this stupid observation. So I was looking at the cover and was like..."So Adam you want me to be quiet about something?" I roll my eyes and go to watch Jersey Shore (yea yea) and the commercial comes on. I'm like woah. Never seen the commercial before and haven't seen it since. I am taking it as a sign. Too weird but could be coincidental. I donno. So I have been shushed thinking it all over.

We made an agreement long long ago to not discuss the depths of our relationship to anyone. Most people have a superficial idea of our relationship and that's what we wanted. Kinda like celebrities keeping things hush hush. Why I won't post pictures of his face on here. Privacy. We already had a bond of silence and I think he was reminding me.

Still going to let you in on my horrible journey in this crappy life without him. Only people who have lost the loves of their life will ever "understand" the pain and agony I am in. I know plenty of people who will never meet the "one". I know some who have found them and they ignore me, treat me like a freak, because they don't want to face the cruel fact that they will lose EVERYTHING one day too. One of them will have to face this painful journey alone. Ignorance is bliss as they say. My OCD on dying kept us aware of the darkest day of our lives long before he ever got sick. He always joked it would be me first. I thought so too. ugh.

Unrecognizable...

When I look in the mirror I don't see me anymore. I recognize my physical form somewhat but the person I grew up with is gone. Even in pictures people take of me today, its not me. I kinda see me but its not. The same thing happened with Adam. Its as if the soul starts to leave our bodies prior to death. The pictures aren't the same as before. His last photo he took of himself....that wasn't Adam. I told him I didn't like the picture because it wasn't him. He said that is how I feel so I put it up. Am I unrecognizable because my time is approaching?Or is my soul so wounded its hiding?

Soulmates Quotes

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can beloved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up,chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. " Richard Bach

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." - Aristotle

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen." - La Rochefoucauld

‎"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." -R. Bach

Reading a book on soulmates and reincarnation. Its...interesting.

Finding Nemo

"Stop! Please don't go away.Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before.And if you leave...if you leave...I just... I remember things better with you.I do...Look P. Sherman, 42...42...I remember it. I do. Its' there. I-I know it is because when I look at you...I can feel it. And I-I...When I look at you and I...I'm home.Please.I don't want that to go away.I don't want to forget."



This clip floods me with thoughts and emotions.......Adam IS my home....I will be home too...soon enough.

Our walk on the freedom trail

I'm went to Boston today. Going to write more later on that experience, but wanted to briefly mention this. Last year on July 4th, Adam and I were in Boston. While roaming around we went to a very popular tourist cemetray and found a few Hurds. We said everytime we were in the city we would stop by to pay our respects. So I did today.

First photo is one Adam took after he laid a rock on the stone to show his respects. Second is from me today. I only now noticed that the Hurd resting here was only 24.

John Hurd died 8/20/1784 

"To this lad Thrine who ere thou art draw near
Here lies the Friend moft lov'd the Son moft dear
Who ne'er knew joy but Friendthip might divide
Or gave his Father Grief but when he died."

 Thanks Adam for laughing at me during the tarot card reading. Not surprised you wouldn't talk to that guy.