Xmas is just a day

Is this what it is like to be an atheist? Or of some other religion? I was raised a Catholic and my whole life up until last year I celebrated. I would wake up every Christmas morning and run around the house. I would first shake and pick up as many presents as possible then go jump on Adam to wake him up. I think he was awake long before I started squeeling in his ear. He said it made him love me more when he got to watch me be a giddy kid. We were both kids at heart and those situations when you got to be a kid were our happiest. Like theme parks and opening presents!

I just don't care anymore. Its another stupid holiday that reminds me that he isn't here. Coupled with the fact that the 24th is the half year of his departure. 18 months on xmas eve. Next year will be 30 months. How is that even possible?!?! Also I am angry at God for not saving him.... for taking my beloved away. Why split us up? "Why do the twins have to be split up? Either both of them should live or both of them should die." Words from his son. Its highly upsetting. So I am not going to celebrate the birth of the man who refused to mortally save my wonderful man. Why couldnt he get a real second chance?

Speaking to others who are not in the same boat as me so to speak have also noted that the holiday is just a joke now. I don't know if we are all getting cynical or what. Maybe the war on christmas was already fought and won. Its just a joke now anyways. It makes the day far more manageable when you are around a bunch of other people who just don't give a damn anymore.

My lessons from 2 xmas without my love....First year hide under the covers, second year hang out with a bunch of people who are just as cyncial about the holiday as you. I'll let ya know next year how to deal with year number 3.

Time

There are moments when it seems like a second is an eternity. Then there are moments when a second flies pass at an incredible speed. Its one or the other: either time flies or it rages to a hault. Not once has a day gone by that felt normal in regards to the movement of time since he left. My perspective of time as forever been altered.

I feel like a ghost of myself recently. Before I could feel the agony of dying everyday and the hellish thoughts of not fully crossing over. Funny how I would welcome the anguish right now over the hallow numbeness I feel now. I would beg and plead to God to take me away. He seems to have turned a deaf ear to me. I stopped begging. I casually ask every night and go to sleep knowing that I will wake up in the morning. Such a depressing fail. Is me not dying a slight against Adam? I want to be with him really really badly. I hope he knows that.

Lately there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. I feel like I have no time to properly grieve. I think part of me is desperately trying to run away from the pain causing a separation of my actions and feelings. I am not happy. I am not sad. I am nothing at all. Damn this really sucks.

Oh and yeah holidays. Noope, I couldn't tell. Used to make a big showcase about it. All those feelings I once held for Christmas all gone. Just another day on the calander.

Thanksgiving #2

This is my second thanksgiving without him. I fared better than last year. Last year I hid under the covers and ate in my room. I kept isolated. I cried a lot. The pain at times was unbearable and I thought of various ways to end my suffering. I still can't get over the wall of what it would do to my friends and my family if I did clock out from this life. ::rolls eyes:: If I could over come that mind block I would be with Adam right this second. For now I am relying on a hope that my earthly experation date isn't that much further away. This is my life, this is my reality.

Its hard to distract a grieving person, my friends did the best that they could and I am thankful that they did. I am loved. Not the love I want, no one will ever be able to out do Adam, but I got enough to keep me afloat. I read his love letters and it reassured who we are as a couple. How he felt about me and how he knew I felt about him. Why he had to talk about death in these I don't know, but its good because I know what ideas he wanted...and has... carried into the next life. He is waiting for me and woooo that is a relief for sure. I'd wait my ass outside the pearly gates for him, no question. He is worth it and I am worth it to him. Sorry it is not paradise unless you have the one you love, your other half, at your side. Thats just logic.

Anyways I did what Adam would do, I went to the Thanksgiving Ravens game. We won wooot. There were a few odd things that happened. One the section I was in, my birthday. It was the 17th month anniversary and I sat next to seat 17. This one old dude ended up trying to steal that seat. It was vacant in a sold out game. Everytime the guy tried to sit down he would bolt up. After awhile he gave up and just sat on the back of the chair or stood. I think Adam was erked this guy was taking his seat!

Adam was in the band so it was cool to watch them play. He would have looked so sexy in the new uniform. After the 3rd quarter was the drum line. He was a drummer. I felt his raging jealousy that he wasn't down there. lol. It was an odd feeling because it wasn't mine.

The day overall didn't feel like the holiday I remember. Maybe because I didn't do one thing remotely close to our old traditions. I think its a good thing because, well if it doesn't feel like it supposed to, and I was thoroughly distracted from the pain. Grief has already been trying to break me down and it will. One can only stand up to it for so long until you are overcome by the feelings. Another month of dueling with the monster and I will be back in the fetal position.

I finally settled on what I want for Christmas. A promise to be fulfilled. One made and reassured to me would happen. Pray for me folks this happens.

Dazed and Confused

I am in a state of confusion. It is so hard to comprehend that this is my new reality. Deep down inside I know he is here right by my side but my eyes cannot see him, my ears fail to hear his voice, my skin c sense his touch, but I know... oh I know... without a shadow of doubt that he is here. The logical side of my brain has to ask...why is this? Is it because his spirit stays with me? Is it because I am still in the denial phase? I feel as if though I am moments away from him walking through the door and him saying "Honey, I'm home!!" Sometimes I think maybe I am not that far away from walking into his world. Oh what a relief that would be. End this charade I have been living.

These obscure thoughts actually help me not slip into the abyss of depression. I have such hope and faith that we are together with only a thin veil between us. I know some people think this is all crazy but I cannot ignore my feelings. Why are they so strong? I guess like the moment I saw him filing out his application I KNEW he was going to be mine.

I keep grappling with this doomsday feeling but for the first time I am happy and excited for what it will bring. Which highly concerns me. The last time I had this feeling I was in a constant state of fear. Then my dear friend passed away. Why is my soul happy that something bad is looming around the corner again? Am I really going bat shit crazy? I want this event to happen. Like I feel it is going to resolve so many wrongs in my life. How bad of me to wish for something negative to happen in my life.

So here I am moving forward on our plans. Doing what we as a couple set out to do. I feel the universe is working with me to complete my tasks in life. Also feel protected. I feel we were right to choose this particular path.  If this has to be the way things are I might as well accept some aspects of this life and be proactive.

Oh and a strange occurrence. I went to sleep last night and woke up in a state of panic. For a few brief moments I had absolutely no clue where I was or how I got there. Freaky and it really does add to my state of confusion.

Adam if you are reading this, you domesticated the hell out of me. With your love and encouragement you were molding me to be a great wife. I just wish you were here for me to spoil.

Moving

One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I started out on this journey was do not make any big decisions in the first year. I did make a few mistakes but nothing big. I got my affairs in order and dumped all my debt. Didnt realize I needed debt to keep my credit score up. doh! I kept to the status quo for the year. I was able to really look at my choices with a clearer head. I decided to continue with the life WE decided to live. I have the job I want, I live where he wanted and I am still working towards the things we had planned.

Now the odd thing about this is that I feel and sense memories of him doing this all with me. Like going to bed at night all alome in this new place I feel like he is here and I feel so safe. The sense of saftey was one thing I was concerned about in moving forward on our life project. I feel safe like I know he wont let anything bad happen to me. I keep him busy. A friend said they were confident that everything would work out for me. So far it has. I have a great angel watching over me and listening to my prayers. Just wish the one I want most hasnt happened et. But like Andy in Shashanke I will just keep writing mkre until they give me what I really truly want.

Only a few more days until the moving truck comes with all my belongings. This place does feel like home and I think its because he isnt far away. While checking out a new grocery store I passed by two women chatting when one asked, "Where is Adam?" I slowed my pace.. "Oh he is always around he just likes to hide sometimes." I smiled and was like oh Adam you cheeky bastard. A sign maybe for him to let me know that even though I cant see him he is here with me. I prefer he stop being stubborn and give me different signs but he was thicked headed here I doubt that has changed there.

I love him more and more each day. I miss him like crazy but I do feel our relationship evolving for the better. Maybe in the next life we can do it the conventional way. We were the odd balls in the bunch for sure.

So thats the happenings at this stage. 16 months and crawling forward. I have down days but I can now focus on the good instead of the bad. I am who I am because of him and that makes me happy.

Movement

Slowly been making progress in my life. Still sticking to the original goals even though the timeline is totally screwed up. 10 months behind. I am trying to move things along and finding strength within myself to push towards our dreams. I am still here and every word he spoke, dream he dreamed, want... was not in vain. I'm doing it baby and I know you are by my side even if its not in a physical capacity.

There are some issues I am just trying to prove to myself and the universe that I can get something I really want and short of my own death, I won't be stopped. Which it does cross my mind, holy crap the universe is gonna kill me to prove a point that control really is just an illusion. damn. Then I think that is just horse crap and refocus my attention on achieving my goal and satisfying my desire.


I am finding the old me again. Which is awesome! So many lose themselves in this journey or decide to create a whole new identity. Maybe proof to my laziness? loyalty? stubbornness? Whatever it maybe, I am finding my way back to myself. I have new found information that has provided a clearer outlook on life. Like proof to an idea I had before that I struggled to do so often. Which is... don't sweat the small stuff and laugh it off when you can. Adam made it easier to do but now I can do with ease on my own. Someone not holding a door open for you is funny and not offensive. I was raised with manners be a gentleman and hold the door for a lady! Then I picture them being raised by wolves or growing up in a barn or by some yokel and I just laugh. Though a southern yokel would have raised their child to be polite and courteous. I saw Beverly Hillbillies!


So things are moving in the right direction even if not at the pace I prefer. I hope the next week solidifies one of my objectives that should cause a domino effect to other key desires. Fingers crossed

Steve Jobs and My Apple Geek

This is hitting me rather hard. Adam LOVED apple. I got him ipods for christmas and birthdays. One of those bad gut feelings I had was if he got the iphone he would leave me. We talked about it and he didnt get an iphone because it really did concern me. Then on my birthday, 5 days after he was diagnosed with cancer he broke his Razor. He puppy dog eyed me and convinced me that he should have a new iphone. I told him I really felt like he would leave me shortly after getting it. He said not to worry, he had cancer and well.. I didnt need to worry. He died a few weeks later. I was right, he left me. :(

Adam followed all the big tech blogs and even found a crack in the apple software to find a new product that was going to be made available before it was released. The stock shot up once all the tech blogs were talking about the new upgrade. See my geeky friend post, I have the links there. I knew for his graduation gift I was going to get him an imac. My cousin and him chit chatted about various apple products. He even had times he gushed about the ipad with his son. He was smiling ear to ear knowing his boy was an apple enthusiast like him. All the apple talk drove me a little mad at times but it was something he was passionate about so you just go with it.

Now Steve Jobs is dead and from cancer no less. Just goes to show how indiscriminate cancer can be. Even if you have all the money in the world, it really is just luck if you beat it or not. I have believed for awhile that if we had millions and billions at our disposal, maybe he would have survived. Maybe he would have gotten a little bit more time? Money cant buy you a long life it seems. These are just my thoughts and I may disagree with them at another time in the future so dont hold me to these. Truth be told we are just lucky to have a crack at this life. Some more fortunate than others. Death really is the ultimate equalizer.

So thank you Mr. Jobs for everything you have done in your lifetime. You changed the world in so many ways. You touched us and made our home a happy geeky place. May you find peace and comfort in the next life. If possible can you work with God in making an app where we can stay in better contact with our lost loved ones?