First & The Tearless Illusion

The first year after the death of a loved one is a year full of first. Luckily the first 6 months my only first was bodily functions. First breathe I took without him alive on this earth. First time I ate, drank, slept without him somewhere on this planet with a beating heart.Then the holidays started. I decided the only way I am gong to survive is by avoidance. By not participating in our traditions I cannot be hurt by the fact he will never do these things again.

Avoidance is working. Maybe part of it is me making things even. He cant put up a Christmas tree and neither can I. I cannot feel guilty about participating because I am not. Honestly, holidays are bullshit. These days are an excuse to do certain things, like splurge on presents. We shouldn't need a hallmark holiday to express our love for another person or get wasted, eat turkey, watch movies, or to thank someone for creating us. These things should be acceptable year round. Its the commercialization and exploitation of people and their feelings. Maybe I am jaded now, but if this is what will get me through these dark days so be it.

I have three more first left then. Our birthdays and d-day. Spaced out, we shall see how I deal with these days over the next six months.

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I cannot cry in front of other people. I can feel my eyes burn from the tears but my natural instinct is to fight them back. I have always preferred to cry in private. I believe that my tearless nature is creating a false illusion that I am over it, I am not. I have cried for days straight and its exhausting on so many levels. I chose to fight the tears in order to survive. I am not a side show freak, I am a griever. I am entitled to grieve and mourn in my own way. Most will not understand this... for now... but many do and that is so very unfortunate.

Ive notice that people become uncomfortable when I talk about Adam. Talking about him keeps him alive and it hurts more when you pretend like he didn't exist. He did, he does, and I will never forget nor should you. My good friends let me blab but I can pick up on their uneasiness. At least they let me talk regardless of their comfort level and it really is a sign that they care about me. To them I thank you.