Bucket List

I think we all make a bucket list of sorts. Things we hope to do in our life time. Adam and I had one that was constantly evolving. Clearly there are somethings I won't ever be able to do now, and that is okay. Still I am working through our list and checking things off. We are two very open minded people and always willing to give something a try to see if our perception of the experience was right or not. Our bucket list contained foods we wanted to try, places we wanted to go, people we wanted to see, events we wanted to participate in, etc. We got to many before he died. Which was great. Kinda eerie how many we did in the last year. Maybe creepy how many I am getting through now.

Anyways, I am starting to have fun working through our list. I desperately wish he was here with me doing these things himself. I know when I die we will have loads to talk about. I hope he is enjoying his time up there, missing me just the same. One thing people have gotten right is that he wants me to be happy, just not in the context of their statements. 

Mardi Gras in NOLA - Check

Toxicity of Guilt and Fear

There are many aspects to grief and guilt is one of them. It eats you up and spits you out as a huge messy wad.

My guilt is that I couldnt take all his troubles away. Sharing was how we bonded. We were travelers on the same road. We spoke often of the obstacles we encountered and helped each other over others as they came. There just wasnt enough time for either of us to absorb the severity of his disease. We were robbed of his life. Taken by suprise and he was gone the next. What could I have done differently to save him? The answer is nothing. I am not a doctor and even doctors didnt fully understand the complexity of his illness. So why beat myself up with guilt? Because its a natural basic human instinc and I, sadly to say, am human.

It takes great effort to take these thoughts of guilt and turn them away from the mind. My biggest regret in life was not talking to him when I was 16. I want more time with him and if I had been aware of what he would mean to me then I would have run up on that stage and held onto him for dear life. His cancer gave us no early indications that it was working itself up inside his body until it really was too late. His reservations to the medical industry is what bought us six more months together. I am thankful for that but so very sad and depressed that he is gone.

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I had a dream last night that got me thinking. We are all marked for death. No matter where we run and hide its going to find us. In my dream an assassin is stalking me and corners me in a room. I frantically look for an escape but the red beam of his gun always finds me. I want to stop running from death. To stand up and accept that true nature of life and death. My greatest fear, I am learning, is that all our hard work will be in vain. If I fall who will finish our work?

I studied Raphael in a class and after he passed his apprentice completed his final painting, Transfiguration. A beautiful piece of art. Adam's life to me is like this painting both in the symbolic representation in the piece and the fact that like Raphael, Adam left a great piece of work unfinished. I want to make sure it is completed. I think guilt will destroy me completely if I dont finish. And there inlies my greatest fear.

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I guess what I am thinking is that guilt and fear are normal feelings to have but unhealthy when they force you not to live. It taks strength and courage to fight these feelings off to do what you need to do in life. Sometimes these feelings can fuel your fire and help you stay focused on your task. My guilt and fear does stop me in my tracks and I continue to persevre over these foul feelings to continue a life he would be proud of. I hope I am making him proud. My name means strength, lets hope ny parents gave me the right name for my character.

Surviving...

On day one, if you had told me I would make it to 8 months I would have laughed you off . There was NO way that my my body would be able to withstand the pain of this experience. Where in the beginning I was hemorrhaging from his departure, my survival instincts kicked in and slowed the flow of emotional bleeding. I don't understand why I am still alive but it seems I have no choice in the matter.

I don't think I will ever be able to properly express my deep appreciation to everyone who was there for me when I needed them. And continue to be there for me when I need them. I do think that you should work on keeping the good people in your life as close as possible. I don't think my friends realize that the simple text messages, phone calls, facebook postings, the hugs, the opening of their homes, the outings, helping me laugh, remembering... that these small little things have been the life savers keeping me afloat. I am truly blessed to have such a uniquely diverse loyal group of friends. I hope that the universe does reward them for their compassion and generosity.

There is also a group of folks that I have come to hear their stories of loss. Of their own struggles during this life altering experience. This is a sad hard fact but it is nice to know you are not alone in the dark waters. I have read so many stories of survival where a group went overboard and that each person called out to the other, and once they were in a group they could fight together to try to survive being lost at sea. As a story this is the best way to explain a support group. I am thankful that I am not "out there" all alone.

Currently I am taking things one day at a time. I am in the 7th-8th month dip. Where I was able to feel a week out in advance I am not emotionally capable at this time to go further than two days at most. Any step forward, no matter the size, is a step in the right direction.

I have set some goals for my future that are based on the dreams, goals, and expectations we, as a couple, made. They are there for me when I am ready. It is okay to put things on hold for a while. I was suggested to not make any major decisions for a year and for the most part I am sticking to that suggestion. I do love our ideas and want to make them come true. As I am "a go with the flow" kinda gal, I am okay if death comes knocking on my door to take me away. Its okay because there must be something more important for me to do in the next life. I will miss my friends and family A LOT but I think that I will feel peace because I know I will see them all eventually.

We all die, when is the big question. For now I continue to breath and survive.

Bittersweet Birthday

Well the 17th he would have turned 29. A very hard and confusing day for me.

His birthday was the special one between us. For me his best birthday was his 26th. Though the one last year to Vegas was pretty sweet. For his 26th we stayed at a bed and breakfast. Spent a whole day at the museums with a very good friend. Saw the Colbert portrait. Drove past the hospital he was born in. He was giddy about that. We rented a Ford Mustang for him to drive around in. I threw him a surprise birthday party. Basically a party any 6 year old would have wanted minus the beer. Cake, food, games, friends, it was a blast. Plus this is the only birthday that we ever recorded video.

"Don't hit the car!!!"

So very happy

I smile and I cry when I see the films. I love that I can hear his voice. Hear him laugh. See him act goofy. This is my favorite clip. I call him out on how he is playing the game. This one is internet safe. It doesn't show anyone's full face. Yeah I am awesome on that front huh? 

What can I do now to continue to show him how special he is to me?  It hurts so bad. I feel so odd, weird, strange because I can't do anything for him anymore. I feel so inadequate and frustrated.  I do feel some joy though. Joyful with the fact that I could make him so happy. That even when things were so sour in his life that I could help him forget even for a few moments the pains he was enduring. I made his soul smile and that is truly special.

Valentines Reflection

Adam was creative. I made him be. He would always bug me to tell him what I did want. This was for every gifting occasion. I told him he was not going to get an easy out. He had to look inside himself to properly express his feelings for me. I am glad I pushed him to be creative because otherwise the gifts wouldn't hold the weight that they do. I am sitting in a room filled with signs of his love for me. That makes dealing with my grief a bit easier. Yes he did love me. He does love me and he went above and beyond to show it.

Painted By Adam. Acrylic on Canvas

I was only a few miles from what is left of his body on Valentines Day. Slight comfort that our bodies were in the same state even for a brief time period. I can read his words he wrote and find comfort. I feel reassured of his feelings for me. I hope he can feel my love for him as much as I feel his love for me.

This is turning into being one of the roughest weeks for me. Huge slap in the face thanks to Hallmark. His birthday is tomorrow and though I desperately want to do something big like I did every other year, I can't face another disappointment at this time.

I really miss him. I don't feel alone. I just feel overwhelmingly sad that I can't be with him physically. I know he is around here somewhere but I can't see him and its driving me nuts.

Damn you cat! Get off my tongue!!

Sometimes things happen and you can't say shit to anyone. Sometimes you hear things that set you off down that dark lonely path. My eyes are burning and my nose is puffy. Not because I have a cold but because I have been crying so hard the last few hours. Part of me wants to let the beast out and rampage down the streets and destroy the people who have wronged me and Adam all these years. Make them hurt. Make them suffer. I hate that I have to bottle things up. Sometimes the words we say today can really screw up tomorrow. I don't want to jeopardize anything right now so I am keeping mum.

There is only so much I can take. I feel sorry for who is ever near me when I finally blow. Its gonna happen, I can only fight myself so much before I become so blinded by the emotions that I lose control. Its happened before, it will happen again.

Movie Outing

I saw the Dilemma. I wouldn't have wasted a dime on that movie if Adam was still here but I needed to get out of the house. Not as bad as I thought. Every Vince Vaughn movie seems pretty much the same to me so no real foul. The outing was good for me. I hope not just for myself but for the friend that I went with as well. This theater is pretty awesome. Its 21+, gourmet menu, full bar, big comfy seats, kinda pricey. I go there to avoid the people on their cellphones, crying babies, tweens kicking the back of my seat. Because it cost double a regular movie ticket it weeds many people out.

I want to try to regain some of my normal social habits. Even for a few hours its nice. I am okay with getting the crap beat out of me by my grief if it will take a few hour break from time to time. During the breathing room I never stop thinking about Adam. I never stopped thinking about him when he was alive, so that hasn't changed in the slightest. He is my other half and if I can't stop thinking about myself and my own feelings I sure as hell can't stop thinking about him.

I am planning other outings for February and (fingers crossed) March. Still struggling with seeing myself more than a week out but if I book it and that date comes I won't waste my money. Hopefully future outings will be like the one I had last night. Hang out with a good friend and have a good time. He wanted this for me before... why wouldn't he want it for me now?