Surviving...

On day one, if you had told me I would make it to 8 months I would have laughed you off . There was NO way that my my body would be able to withstand the pain of this experience. Where in the beginning I was hemorrhaging from his departure, my survival instincts kicked in and slowed the flow of emotional bleeding. I don't understand why I am still alive but it seems I have no choice in the matter.

I don't think I will ever be able to properly express my deep appreciation to everyone who was there for me when I needed them. And continue to be there for me when I need them. I do think that you should work on keeping the good people in your life as close as possible. I don't think my friends realize that the simple text messages, phone calls, facebook postings, the hugs, the opening of their homes, the outings, helping me laugh, remembering... that these small little things have been the life savers keeping me afloat. I am truly blessed to have such a uniquely diverse loyal group of friends. I hope that the universe does reward them for their compassion and generosity.

There is also a group of folks that I have come to hear their stories of loss. Of their own struggles during this life altering experience. This is a sad hard fact but it is nice to know you are not alone in the dark waters. I have read so many stories of survival where a group went overboard and that each person called out to the other, and once they were in a group they could fight together to try to survive being lost at sea. As a story this is the best way to explain a support group. I am thankful that I am not "out there" all alone.

Currently I am taking things one day at a time. I am in the 7th-8th month dip. Where I was able to feel a week out in advance I am not emotionally capable at this time to go further than two days at most. Any step forward, no matter the size, is a step in the right direction.

I have set some goals for my future that are based on the dreams, goals, and expectations we, as a couple, made. They are there for me when I am ready. It is okay to put things on hold for a while. I was suggested to not make any major decisions for a year and for the most part I am sticking to that suggestion. I do love our ideas and want to make them come true. As I am "a go with the flow" kinda gal, I am okay if death comes knocking on my door to take me away. Its okay because there must be something more important for me to do in the next life. I will miss my friends and family A LOT but I think that I will feel peace because I know I will see them all eventually.

We all die, when is the big question. For now I continue to breath and survive.

Bittersweet Birthday

Well the 17th he would have turned 29. A very hard and confusing day for me.

His birthday was the special one between us. For me his best birthday was his 26th. Though the one last year to Vegas was pretty sweet. For his 26th we stayed at a bed and breakfast. Spent a whole day at the museums with a very good friend. Saw the Colbert portrait. Drove past the hospital he was born in. He was giddy about that. We rented a Ford Mustang for him to drive around in. I threw him a surprise birthday party. Basically a party any 6 year old would have wanted minus the beer. Cake, food, games, friends, it was a blast. Plus this is the only birthday that we ever recorded video.

"Don't hit the car!!!"

So very happy

I smile and I cry when I see the films. I love that I can hear his voice. Hear him laugh. See him act goofy. This is my favorite clip. I call him out on how he is playing the game. This one is internet safe. It doesn't show anyone's full face. Yeah I am awesome on that front huh? 

What can I do now to continue to show him how special he is to me?  It hurts so bad. I feel so odd, weird, strange because I can't do anything for him anymore. I feel so inadequate and frustrated.  I do feel some joy though. Joyful with the fact that I could make him so happy. That even when things were so sour in his life that I could help him forget even for a few moments the pains he was enduring. I made his soul smile and that is truly special.

Valentines Reflection

Adam was creative. I made him be. He would always bug me to tell him what I did want. This was for every gifting occasion. I told him he was not going to get an easy out. He had to look inside himself to properly express his feelings for me. I am glad I pushed him to be creative because otherwise the gifts wouldn't hold the weight that they do. I am sitting in a room filled with signs of his love for me. That makes dealing with my grief a bit easier. Yes he did love me. He does love me and he went above and beyond to show it.

Painted By Adam. Acrylic on Canvas

I was only a few miles from what is left of his body on Valentines Day. Slight comfort that our bodies were in the same state even for a brief time period. I can read his words he wrote and find comfort. I feel reassured of his feelings for me. I hope he can feel my love for him as much as I feel his love for me.

This is turning into being one of the roughest weeks for me. Huge slap in the face thanks to Hallmark. His birthday is tomorrow and though I desperately want to do something big like I did every other year, I can't face another disappointment at this time.

I really miss him. I don't feel alone. I just feel overwhelmingly sad that I can't be with him physically. I know he is around here somewhere but I can't see him and its driving me nuts.

Damn you cat! Get off my tongue!!

Sometimes things happen and you can't say shit to anyone. Sometimes you hear things that set you off down that dark lonely path. My eyes are burning and my nose is puffy. Not because I have a cold but because I have been crying so hard the last few hours. Part of me wants to let the beast out and rampage down the streets and destroy the people who have wronged me and Adam all these years. Make them hurt. Make them suffer. I hate that I have to bottle things up. Sometimes the words we say today can really screw up tomorrow. I don't want to jeopardize anything right now so I am keeping mum.

There is only so much I can take. I feel sorry for who is ever near me when I finally blow. Its gonna happen, I can only fight myself so much before I become so blinded by the emotions that I lose control. Its happened before, it will happen again.

Movie Outing

I saw the Dilemma. I wouldn't have wasted a dime on that movie if Adam was still here but I needed to get out of the house. Not as bad as I thought. Every Vince Vaughn movie seems pretty much the same to me so no real foul. The outing was good for me. I hope not just for myself but for the friend that I went with as well. This theater is pretty awesome. Its 21+, gourmet menu, full bar, big comfy seats, kinda pricey. I go there to avoid the people on their cellphones, crying babies, tweens kicking the back of my seat. Because it cost double a regular movie ticket it weeds many people out.

I want to try to regain some of my normal social habits. Even for a few hours its nice. I am okay with getting the crap beat out of me by my grief if it will take a few hour break from time to time. During the breathing room I never stop thinking about Adam. I never stopped thinking about him when he was alive, so that hasn't changed in the slightest. He is my other half and if I can't stop thinking about myself and my own feelings I sure as hell can't stop thinking about him.

I am planning other outings for February and (fingers crossed) March. Still struggling with seeing myself more than a week out but if I book it and that date comes I won't waste my money. Hopefully future outings will be like the one I had last night. Hang out with a good friend and have a good time. He wanted this for me before... why wouldn't he want it for me now?

Nine Inch Nails

NIN

One of the first concerts we both went to was a NIN concert. May 12, 2000. Fragility Tour v2.0. I had just turned 17, he was 18. We still hadn't met yet. He was up front, I was on the lawn. Then we saw them again June 9, 2009. Wave Goodbye Tour. Same pavilion even though we no longer lived in that state. We sat in the middle, together.  Strange how some things come around.

So here is a song that just fits what I am going through. This is me recording in June 2009. I can hear him...

Lyrics: Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep
Anymore

(Chorus)
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go way
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Gray would be the color if I had a heart
Come on, tell me

::Chorus::

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on, tell me!

::Chorus::
I just want something I can never have

<<<I miss you so....>>>

Thought Overload & Easily Distracted

Most of the time its just me and my thoughts. Easier to visualize than explain. This is what Adam said I am like...

I decided to try to annoy him by singing the song at the end of the commercial to him. Got to him when I made him dance with me.  I know he felt embarrassed when I sang this at the top of my lungs when stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. No matter when or where or how, I always got him to smile.

Oh and he also said I was like Dug....

Sometimes my mind just cuts from one thought to another. Not much fluidity. It actually takes me a long time to write these blog entries out because I am so scatter brained. The thing is, he got me. Crazy broken thought processes and all.

My thoughts today:  I am happy with my core values and beliefs. I have a great support system. I am learning a lot about myself, Adam, and others. I don't feel unloved. I haven't felt alone in a long long time. I feel Adam near by and just that sensation alone has kept me from falling apart. He gives me strength. He holds me up. He hasn't stopped being him. I would like him back in his body to help me physically through this life, but its okay. We have to deal with what we got and make it work the best we can. This life is a blip in time. I will be home before I know it. For him, EVERYTHING is worth it. Every sacrifice, every tear, every single aspect of myself and my life is worth it for him, for his love. We have something so special I would be an idiot to turn my back on him and on us. I hurt, I am in pain, and I am just dealing with it as best I can. I am learning that I rather show my scars than hide them. I am learning how to keep my mouth shut when it comes to really stupid people and just allow them to be because no matter what I say to try to bring knowledge into their lives, they are stupid and won't learn anyways. I am pretty sure that I am still making him proud by remaining true to myself. I could have changed completely but I have held on to dear life to the identity that I created for myself. I want to remain the woman he fell in love with and that has been a challenge but after damn near 7 months of this shit I am still me. And more and more thoughts to be reserved for another SQUIRREL!!!!