Things I think about to Adam

I finally upgraded my phone! I thought by getting one Id be leaving a part of you behind but when we updated all our text messages transferred. So I'm not severing the tie as I feared but improving it. This one actually turns off and I don't have to stress about losing all your words because they are still at my finger tips. We are a seriously weird couple. Lots of love and emotions and humor between us. I like the reminder and get why you still love to screw with me from the beyond.

I saw this program about 9/11 and the people left behind. I watched to get a glimpse into the world of other women who lost the loves of their life and how they fared 10 years later. At least I know the pain will never go away but I can find ways to still live even though I feel half dead without you. AND some talked about signs and it just makes me feel better about all the signs you give me. Some people look at me like I'm a nut job but they dunno what its like and I'm glad we are still connected. I feel your presence because you ARE there. Kinda tough to be open to it all in a society and culture that shuns such experiences. I'm not alone and that's good. I know you are waiting for me just as much as I am waiting to be with you. We will get there because this IS temporary.

Tara is done on Trueblood. Dad said maybe not, because well its HBO and Trueblood and they may find some weird way to write her back in. Lafayette was supposed to be dead per the books, so ya know they can be creative. Anywho, the show is good but its like the Dexter books, they don't know how to wrap up a story line. I think the soft core porn elements keeps the show alive. Eric is hot! Okay...so is Jessica.

Entourage... eh. It was your show. OH Boardwalk Empire you would LOVE. So your taste. I like it too. More of a boys show but enough girl stuff for me to be into it. I felt like you have already seen it but when I checked the dates of airing you weren't around. Yet I just have all these memories of watching it with you. Odd but maybe you were in the room. Kinda dull afterlife baby if your just vegging out to tv shows with me. I don't mind.

You have soooo much music! I know you can still introduce me to music and its way cool cause I know you hand picked these artist and songs. I haven't added anything to your computer music wise. Then there are your own musical works I get to hear. Not to mention all the cds we packed away in storage. I may even end up rediscovering my old tunes.

I have been playing the piano lately. We had some skills but our attention spans seem to be short. However I am learning a few new songs that you may like. Still working on meshing my left and right hands together. Oh, I seem to have forgotten how to read bass clef. Oops. Why can't the piano be in alto? That I can read! So moonlight sonata was your... I only know the first few lines song. I now know as much as you do so pffft! It'll take me a few more years to move forward. Too many notes! I am learning gymnopedie no. 1. Which is really fun to play and very mellow. After listening to frail a bunch of times I am learning that one too. I put like the first segment on my FB. We would have had fun playing this together. Like when we played heart and soul and that song from peanuts! I miss our music dear.

If you have time, and wanna help us get back together at least partially on the physical plane... I think you need to help me get a job. I helped you, what, four different times? Come on dude! The lag is really messing with my head and I know I am getting desperate. Hell the economy went further into the bucket since you left. I got this degree at the wrong time. Should have done MIS like you. I look at your BI cert and I see so many job listings needed someone with that qualification and your degree. That is just horribly ironic. Or unfortunate? lol. I miss those jokes.

I'll keep working towards our goals. Would love your help in anyway you can provide it. Keep talking through people for me. I am getting your messages. Is this cryptic way of speaking to me your way of getting back at me for all the times I was cryptic with you?? Don't lose those cynical mean spirited parts cause its def one of the reasons I fell for you so hard so quickly. Roll them eyes! I think I will watch that video of you doing just that. :)

I love you with all my heart and soul. I ache for you. Miss you and counting the days until we are together again.

No Good Reason

Yup. I am still here, living and breathing and I am some what pissed off. I out lived my boo. Now what? Seriously was hoping that after the 14th this would all be over and I would be dead and not have to live this life anymore. Damn you creative power I hope is there. I did surround myself with friends and I felt comforted by them. Even heard some really thought provoking statements about what they feel for my future. Seems I have gone blind with the direction my life is heading. Everything used to just work out for us until he died. That's why when they revived him I was like, omg that was close, we are just some of those people who are lucky. Of all the cancers to get he had the "curable" one. Why did our luck have to dry up on that day?

I keep hearing this phrase... everything happens for a reason. What reason is there that justifies a great life being lost at such a young age? Why does anyone have to suffer at all? Why should one person's suffering benefit another? That's really sadistic. This phrase always... ALWAYS makes me cringe... but this time... it actually has me actively thinking..... God is one sadistic mother fucker. Look what he got Abraham to do, or the story of Job, and what he put his one and only son through. I mean come on he is your son and hanging on a cross was how he had to go? Why not something far more quick and painless than being nailed to a cross?? Its your kid for Christ sakes. (Pun intended). Sorry folks that is pretty sick and twisted. Saving humanity from eternal damnation is pretty awesome but... um... why did he have to die? Wouldn't it have been better if he got another 30-50 years to continue to preach the word? Traveling back in those days was kinda slow. We age and being like old has to suck and death is just a nice thing to get rid of our deteriorating bodies. Death at a young age just doesn't make any sense. And he is God, he should be able to like, stop it. Just open the doors to heaven and call us all home and we can be in a place of peace and happiness forever and ever. Why the tirades??

So what doors have opened because he has died? None that I can see. I think its bullshit. I want him and the life we were building together. We were able to make so much work together that so many could never and will never do. So what now? I have no idea where life wants to take me anymore. What am I working towards? The only thing I have done is to keep pursuing what we were going after because that was a lot of work and sacrifice and I don't want to let that all go to waste. That is just wrong in my opinion. Even the times I just stop doing everything and float in this world I feel no pull in any direction. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I am just talking myself in circles. Crap. Going no where fast.

Random Thoughts

He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.... he got his wish... tragic his life would end at 28.

September 14. I will out live him on this day by a second, a minute, a hour.

They say a dying man tells no lies. There is hope inside my heart that his prophecy will come true.

Sometimes I jump for joy knowing the one thing that is for certain in my life, I will die. When if kinda up in the air but I will. So will everyone. We all die. Its the universal truth. Our brains try to run away from this fact but its gonna happen. Now that the one and only person I ever want to be with is gone, if something were to happen to me, I wouldn't fight death but welcome it as my friend. I have awaiting his arrival since June 24, 2010.

Everyday I find out another event in our lives and coming to realize we really are soul mates. I was created for him from him. Or maybe he was created from me for me. That is up for debate. hehe. He is my soul's twin.

I think it would be nice to win the lottery. So I can ensure we can have a child and that they are taken care of for life. Realize our dream of helping the homeless. Travel the world, help people without having to worry about helping myself financially anymore. One can only wish.

The cats smell and without his help I can't bathe them. Ugh. I may have to just find the energy inside me to do it cause its becoming obnoxious.

Wednesday night TV is horrible so I have way too much to think about. Plus I've been down all day. I do have up days believe it or not. When I can function like a normal human being, but today was just bleh.

Would like a job soon. Just to be able to apply my years of education to a career would make the time and effort worth it.

Disconnected

Lately I have been feeling completely disjointed from the world. As if I were on drugs and I am aware that what I am seeing and experiencing are not real. How can this horror be a reality? I tend to feel outside of myself when I go out and do things. Or when I reflect on the events of the week I just don't identify with the experiences. Did I really do that this week? month? year? It is a bit frustrating to have no real relationship to the current events of my life. Maybe I am living in the past and even that doesn't seem to be the case. Every morning I think about Adam and every night I fall asleep to thoughts of him. I did this from the day we met over 7 years ago. He is worth the space in my mind and heart. With him I could live in the moment and reflect and go yeah I so totally did that. Now I reflect and question if anything did happen. Was I just there? Did I just talk to so and so? What did we do? How did I feel at that moment? This is all so crazy and surreal. Maybe I just cannot accept this new reality. This is a bad dream. A horrible trip. Something is so seriously off that I just cannot grasp what has been happening to me. Why would I want to accept the idea that my best friend has been gone for over 14 months? This just sucks.

Animal Senses

Adam became an animal whisperer. Okay he couldn't talk to animals or understand their thoughts but they were drawn to him. Especially the last two years. Maybe the smell of his cancer was seeping out of his pores. We only knew he had cancer for less than 2 months but I hear animals can tell earlier. Recently animals have been nicer and nicer to me. Maybe because they can tell I am a broken shattered soul biding my time until my death and reunion with Adam. Maybe I have some disease raging inside of my body that I am just too nervous to get checked out. I take some of my interactions with wild animals as being signs from Adam. Um yeah a bird shouldn't just roll up to my front porch and chill.

Or come flying out of the dark of night right by my head at the same exact moment I am screaming in my head how much my life sucks without Adam. Then come to rest within two feet of me. Pic taken about 6 inches away.

And these guys come and they just chill. I go inside and they don't go away unless I push them away. These two guys were taken one month apart. 7/7/11 and 8/9/11. They always come when I am feeling really down.

In the beginning stray cats would come to the house and let me pet them. I would see them for a week and then they would disappear never to be seen again. What is going on inside of me that now, after Adam's death, animals are coming to me? The frequency has been increasing and sometimes I am lucky enough to have my phone in my hand to take a picture. Sometimes I don't. Like the snowy white owl I saw in April. Or the lizards that run across my toes. Like waaay too often now. Oh one of the lizards Adam and I found and rescued during one of our cold spells came around recently. I wondered where he got to, he is chillin on the trunk of the palm tree. Funny, I can hear Adam saying "Liiiiiiiiizard!!" Pic 7/22

So answer me people, why are all these animals just chillin by me? What are they picking up on that lets them feel safe or that their fight or flight mode does not kick in? I like to think signs from Adam. I am open to a sound scientific explanation for all of these events. However I don't think science can fully explain what has been happen. Maybe I can have fun with statistics and pull the dates off the pics I do have and see if the events are random or not. Hmm...

All of them make me feel good. I am dying one day at a time, just not sure how quickly I am approaching that date. One can dream.

Tested

Some weeks I can feel myself being tested more than others. Am I being the woman he wants me to be? Am I the woman I want to be? As I am sitting around questioning myself I come across this quote from Winnie the Pooh.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you."

 

Funny how little sayings and quotes find me in my time of need. I won't get into details of my trails but I think I did what I needed to do in the best way I knew how. Could I have done it better, sure. Always room for improvement but I learned a lot about so many things. Living is learning and learning is growing. 

There is some excitement as I am about to finish something we started together 5 1/2 years ago.  The completion of this endevour is a bit easier to deal with knowing I have his support. He did come to me in a dream and insisted I finish. After this is done, I have no clue where the universe is going to take me next. So another week another set of test. I have made it this far right?

Strangeness

People envy my life?! Woah. I am blessed. I know that. I am very thankful for all of the things I have in my life. There is that saying it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I do believe this. Sometimes I don't want anyone to have to go through what I have endured but then again, they never will have found love. Love is awesome. Especially when you are with someone who loves you no matter how big a dumb ass you can be. That they can forgive you for all of your indiscretions and love you and all of your imperfections. I find that I miss his idiosyncrasies the most. I miss our heated debates. He even laughed at me once and was like, you just like to start arguments don't you? Yes, I am an argumentative person and you play along with me and its great. He could challenge my thoughts and it helped me grow as a person. Isn't life about learning, growing, and love? I like to think so.

Yes I am spoiled. My family and friends spoil me. Adam still spoils me rotten. The thing is, I wouldn't trade my life with anyone else I know. I have it good. Would be way better with Adam, he was the one who always reminded me why I should continue to move forward, and he still does in a different way. I even hear his "I told you so." ringing in my ears when I come to a realization about a certain situation. Damn, he did call that one.

I guess this leads me to something else... they say a dying man tells no lies. Adam said something very specific about my future. He was in a dazed state when he said it. I mull these words over in my head a lot and they give me comfort. I hope his premonition is correct. Fingers Crossed!